"Some men
you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last week, which is the way
he wants it. [...] I don't like it any more than you do [...]
You can't trust freedom
When it's not in your hands [...]
Still the wars go on as the years go by
With no love of God or human rights
'Cause all these dreams are swept aside
By bloody hands of the hypnotized [...]
What's so civil 'bout war anyway?"
- "Civil War" by Guns 'n' Roses
* * *
I was
writing a post for the future, and I came up with the following four paragraphs. I think they may have more
practical use being mentioned earlier than later -
I talk about the fires and violence in Huhojt. Part of me
wants to reveal that in less than a decade, there was a fire next door to me in
Huhojt, a fire next door to my parents'
previous home in Huhojt, a fire at my father's workplace outside Huhojt, my
parked car was involved in a hit and run outside Huhojt so bad it was not
driveable, my grandparents found a bullet hole in their rural home an hour
and a half away from Huhojt and there have been 30+ deaths in the family.
I told my clinicians about all except the hit and run. I
told survivor advocates all except the fire at my father's workplace and the
bullet hole at my grandparents'. Their reactions were blasé or non-exist - I guess this is
what they go through on a regular basis?
And
if it is indeed their 'normal' -- then I think it is worth discussing
that different people have different definitions of normal. Some people
are accustomed to living in more urban settings, even the ghetto - the
risks are outweighed by lower cost of living and easy access to public
transport. I prefer to reside someplace children can safely play in the backyard and roller/inline skate or bicycle through the neighborhood. I grew up in the college, high and middle school district of
town, which also shares the same neighborhood of the clinic -- not a lot
of crime happened there historically. The street crimes have spread. This is not
this neighborhood's normal. Nothing from 2004 onwards has been normal.
I haven't recommended anyone attend this college since my early 20s
despite I had family that worked there. They've passed away too.
Since these clinicians are allegedly the epitome of
behavioral competency, they must have it right. I, as the patient, am at
the discretion of and am a student of
their system. Hm, I jot down the notes, "these are no reason to react or
over-react; these are no reason for concern." I have no formal training,
but I think even an amateur would feel these notes seem more like a
recipe for sociopathy.
* * *
'A Fragile Revolution: Consumers and Psychiatric Survivors Confront the Power of the Mental Health System' by Barbara Everett
is available to read for free, but (1) you have to sign up for the
website's service with your email, and (2) you can only view, or stream,
the book for an hour at a time. It appears this site functions like a
library; one can 'borrow' the book for additional time if it is
'available'. I accessed the book in two one hour intervals from
4/26-27/2022. I am new to this book streaming service. I must admit I
sped-read for fear I wouldn't be able to "borrow" it again for a lengthy
amount of time. For those who have the ability absorb and process
detail while speed reading, I am jealous of you.
The
earliest parts, perhaps even the first sentence, of this book mildly
deterred me, but I am glad I kept reading. It rapidly turned into my
favorite book so far. I highly recommend it. I feel this one is most
applicable. I think this book is relevant for anyone, who has been
wronged in what is intended to be a therapeutic mental health setting.
(I went into this book with a general understanding of the concept of 'social contract',
so I include its wikilink here in case anyone is interested. If you are
following my blog as a whole, please also see 'social cohesion' and
'societal collapse' in the wiki's 'see also'' section.)
This
book's central discussion is power, or more specifically what the
writer calls, the 'power contract'. Who does and does not have power,
what's expected of who in or of the contract, what is gotten from the
contract, and at what levels can the contract be violated?
While
I still find many of my clinicians tactics', as well as other events,
inexcusable, this book put havoc into a framework of simpler
multipurpose elements -- it gave things names and those names
maintain their meaning beyond the scope of this blog. I feel its notable
this book highlights some of the reasons one might be skeptical of both
the clinician and survivor-advocate; this is the first I've found that
acknowledgement.
Another
Huhojt clinician that for the purpose of this blog we'll call, Porly
Ejes, must have a collection of identical temporary tattoos because
their tattoo, upon fair freckled skin, is known to disappear and
reappear. I don't
have a problem with tattoos (or freckles) unless they are lewd, gang
related or
remind me of my ex, and I think I may need to credit Porly with getting
me housing and other necessities, but details like moving or
disappearing tattoos, or perhaps even more trivial distortions, is
crazy-making, gas-lighting.
Porly's
business card reads, "supportative care." I can't find an English or American-English dictionary of
good repute with the word, 'supportative' in it that the dictionary does not say is obsolete. I was once attractive
enough to be found at the front of the line right after the designer at a
benefit runway show in the Capital. Now that I have a scar on my face, I
question -- is supportive and supportative the difference between
scared and scarred? Porly's also known to say, "I'll meet you half way."
Halfway to what?
Unfortunately,
and as my previous post alludes, since the 'I' Everett speaks about has
not become a 'we' or 'us' yet, I am not qualified to
comment on the later chapters.
* * *
"You are losing your mind
And it makes you sick
A sickened soul
And your world is going under
Like you never existed
In this world at all"
* * *
'Voices of Experience: Narratives of Mental Health Survivors' edited by Thurstine Basset and Theo Stickley
is available for free without signing up for any service. I accessed
this book for free in pdf format on April 24, 2022. I suggest
downloading the version of your choice and saving it to your computer;
the web host only permits 5 views per day.
I got upset about midway through Peter Gilbert's 'The Bridge of Sighs and the Bridge of Love: a Personal Pilgrimage,' p95.
Immediately
preceding Disuet Auda, I had a clinician that for the purpose of this
blog, we'll call Aldo Ujad. I was somewhere between staying at my
parents' house and living at a homeless shelter during our first
appointment. I caught Aldo in a lie. I don't remember what the lie was; I
was too busy trying to not look mortified at what I felt was a blatant
lack of effort to build rapport. I continued going to therapy because I
had already waited through a year long waiting list.
During
another appointment, I learned Aldo didn't do well with either
allegories, nonverbal communication or both. (I hope they never work
with the deaf or stroke survivors.) I hadn't been able to afford
certain necessities, like shoes. It was noticeably evident the soles
were falling of my shoes. I said, "my shoes are talking." They asked, in
all seriousness, "Are your shoes really talking to you?" "Um, no," I
responded looking down at my shoes. Ok, my bad. I understand it is their
job to evaluate for hallucinations amongst other things; however, the
probability of a potential patient making it through a yearlong waiting
list when they have hallucinations that profound is unlikely. For the
sake of, what I can only surmise as a sound recording device, I switched
to formal and concise language. There was no point. I arrived to our
next appointment equipped with, amongst other specialized jargon, the
phrase "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs," She laughed at me. Laughed.
I
nodded in a agreement to most, if not all, of Premila Trivedi's 'A
Recovery Approach in Mental Health Services: Transformation, Tokenism or
Tyranny?' p152.
I
was amused by the wording of John Stuart Clark's 'Walking with
Dinosaurs' p 174; it was a nice reprieve from recollecting my sessions
with Aldo Ujad. I think everyone agrees my "psychoterrorist" was Disuet
Auda, which I talked about in previous posts. At some point, I may edit
an old post about Disuet and borrow this word.
"When the world gives you a raw deal
Sets you off 'til you scream, "Piss off! Screw you!"
When it talks to you like you don't belong [...]
When something's in your mitochondrial
'Cause it latched on to you, like-
Knock knock, let the devil in"
* * *
I found myself nodding in agreement as I read, "Confessions of a non-compliant patient" an essay by Judi Chamberlin. Unfortunately, Judi, amongst many others, is no longer amongst the living. While 2009 onwards was devastating for me, and therefore a blur, I think I remember hearing about her passing on the local television news, which is impressive because I don't watch much television.
