ABOUT THIS BLOG -- I was once a writer published the old fashioned way. I am trying to relearn that skill after 15 years of silence, exploring a topic that many are scared to explore. Seeking or being involuntary placed in mental health treatment creates a stigma for the patient -- no matter how strong or trustworthy that patient was before treatment, they are somehow deemed weak and untrustworthy. In my 30 years of psychotherapy and 15 years of silence, I've observed that should something go wrong between clinician and patient, the clinician gets the benefit of the doubt. There are advocates and organizations that are supposed to counterbalance this tendency, but I feel even they are flawed. This is a blog about my journey.

So seethe in silence for another 15 years?

I searched Huhojt again. According to 2020 census, Huhojt's population was 51,400, i.e. not very big. In a previous post, I over-estimated. My apologies.

I intended to make a list of fires and shots fired in Huhojt since 2010 to compare Covid years to those preceding them. The earliest date the newsfeed lets me read is mid April 2020. This doesn't help me create this list. It did cover the house fire next door to my parents' previous house; luckily, it was after they relocated.

The local newspapers' websites have become paid services, and, to my knowledge, don't have the extensive search capability as they once did. It feels maddening; crazy-making. An August 2012 article in the state capital's newspaper listed 13 Huhojt house fires from mid July 2012 to mid August 2012 - one of which was the building next door to the apartment I lived in at the time. Hm, there's a little proof it is not in my head.

Since the Internet seems to have adopted a temporary and fleeting nature, I wonder how things, such as genealogy searches, will be performed in the future. Most places in the developed world have public libraries that can be utilized for free. Many of these libraries have microfilms of old newspapers and other various documents. Are we all going to be required to maintain memberships to newspapers.com?

Since I went through the effort, I post the numbers I sourced from one freelancer -- probably the best freelancer in the area until their feed went eerily sparse recently. Hopefully, this indicates a lower amount of crime. Nonetheless, the numbers aren't all inclusive. Media outlets source this freelancer's stuff, but are not limited to them. And please keep in mind - this is a city of 51, 400 people.

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"I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary and softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look through other people's eyes"

-- "Pepper" (sometimes called "Avalanche") by Butthole Surfers

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Since early 2021, this freelancer spoke of 146+ instances of shots fired - 20+ instances since the beginning of 2022, 59+ in the last year, 126+ in 2021. More often than not, these were multiple, sometimes excessive, shots fired in each occasion. Many were hospitalized, and numerous instances have become homicides.

I feel like I am the only person in the area without a firearm. I did a paid criminal search on Huhojt clinician, Disuet Auda, who lunged at my mother during a therapy session. According to the search results, Disuet is licensed to carry a concealed firearm. The only threat in that office was Disuet.

Since early 2021, this freelancer spoke of 49+ structure fires --14+ since the beginning of 2022, 28+ in the last year, and 35+ in 2021. The structures included single family, two family, multiple family, apartment buildings, sky rise and industrial buildings.

This freelancer also spoke of many stabbings (including several with a machete and one with a sword) and vehicles that bursted into flames. Although, I think my current town takes the cake when it come to hit-and-run vehicle accidents. I have had three vehicles in the last year. No one believed me there was something wrong with my first car, so it eventually broke, and I sold it. I combined that money with American Rescue Plan money and invested it in a newer vehicle. I was waiting my turn to take a left turn, and was rear-ended. I got another vehicle with the insurance money from that accident, and it was rear-ended while parked in front of my residence.

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I socially isolated during my treatment with Disuet Auda. Every time I spoke, especially on the Facebook, there was a fire - gun or house fire. The gun fire happened a block away from where I lived and made American national news. I shut up and went into complete social isolation - no communication unless it was absolutely necessary -- no unneeded phone, Internet, or in-person gatherings. Silence did not make the fires stop in Huhojt. I got my driver's license, bought my first car, and relocated 30-45 minutes away to someplace that has three stoplights in the entire town. Thankfully, the shootings and fires did not follow me.

Peglou Selenep was my clinician after Disuet. Peglou said, my only problem was that I "talk too much."

...

I had isolated so much that to omit more people from my life would be to omit clinicians. Peglou and I had an appointment scheduled. I didn't go to it, and I didn't call to cancel either. How do you make a statement without speaking? Why commute an hour and a half to be told I should have stayed home? That was my last appointment in Huhojt. I wish that I could say I found better therapy elsewhere, but I didn't; however, that's another post.

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But if the answer isn't violence, neither is your silence [...]
Will you speak out? Will you defend me?
Freedom of expression doesn't make it alright

-- "Ich bin ein Auslander" by Pop Will Eat Itself

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This isn't the first time I sought information about unethical or abusive clinicians. There seems to have been a greater amount of resources on the Internet in the past than there is now. There was a sort of make-shift forum years ago that, if I remember correctly, was hosted on blogspot or blogger. I never contributed to it, but I read it. Someone in that forum talked about an email response they received where the respondent claimed they read the original email twice.

>Starting on April 15, 2022, I sent at least a dozen inquiries by email and web submission. I was, and still am, looking for anything - websites, information, support groups, chat rooms, message boards, skypers, email groups, personal advice, legal advice, anything but indifference.

It has been two weeks, and I received one response. At least it was a hand generated response, but it made me question if it wasn't a routine, or perhaps habitual, reply. The rest did not respond, and they did not send an auto-generated "we received your email or submission" response either.

I don't know from what organization or website the hand-generated reply came from because the email address did not indicate any particular entity or person, a google search of the email address did not reveal any entity or organization, and it was simply signed, "Jan." When I googled their email address, the search results said they were Jon instead of Jan, so we'll call them "J'.

J responded and said they read my "entire e-mail-parts of it twice", but was unwilling to "even offer peer support." They also sent a carbon copy to info@therapyabuse.org, also known as TELL, or the Therapy Exploitation Link Line, which I also contacted, and have not received a response.

I was thinking about starting a "don't bother" list, but I fear it will give too much information about me at this time.