ABOUT THIS BLOG -- I was once a writer published the old fashioned way. I am trying to relearn that skill after 15 years of silence, exploring a topic that many are scared to explore. Seeking or being involuntary placed in mental health treatment creates a stigma for the patient -- no matter how strong or trustworthy that patient was before treatment, they are somehow deemed weak and untrustworthy. In my 30 years of psychotherapy and 15 years of silence, I've observed that should something go wrong between clinician and patient, the clinician gets the benefit of the doubt. There are advocates and organizations that are supposed to counterbalance this tendency, but I feel even they are flawed. This is a blog about my journey.

Of power and its abuses (Part 3)

"The toxicity of our city, our city
You, what do you own the world?
How do you own disorder?[...]
Somewhere, between the sacred silence and sleep
Disorder, disorder, disorder
More wood for their fires"

-"Toxicity" by System of a Down

* * *

I intended this blog to be a therapeutic endeavor. Therapeutic for myself because sometimes just "getting it out" is helpful. And also therapeutic for others. Perhaps, it would contribute to some functional change. I get the distinct impression that this blog is or will be read by clinicians and perhaps policy makers of my little city, and yes, I fear the mockery that will ensue. Perhaps, I had some faith a reader would find my blog someday and find the books, my story or information in it helpful. But suddenly I feel as if the information I would have posted would have been used in some way that would ross or enmesh me -- I've experienced enough of that in psychotherapy. If my hypothesis is true, then the guilty parties are no better than their oppressors. Instead of rewriting this post omitting all references to who I am, I save it elsewhere as a backup and start my next entry. No, that's not healthy. I feel my original title of this post still reflects the content.

* * *

The fires continued. Averaging a fire every other week, ((52/2)*10=) totaling to probably more than 300 fires since the unrest started in 2012.

Some of these fires were downright extraordinary - flames shot into the air so high that they could be seen from different towns' highways. I literally thought to myself, 'wow I don't think a natural gas mains stuck in the open position could throw that much fuel/flame,' when I watched the videos of three fires that occurred after I left. I am thankful for the residents that remained in the area that two of them were brick structures.

I read the photographer/videographer's comments. The location of these incidences are clearly stated in the video or description, and often iterated numerous times in the comments. Yet, in the comments of one video I counted 60 people asking where it was. At least one of the people allegedly seeking the location is, in all mathematical probability, exhibiting a knee-jerk defense mechanism. Yeah, sure - yo, where dis at?

I find other comments even more awkward. One woman clearly felt these buildings are burning down merely because they are old. She probably isn't from Huhojt. Huhojt was once proud to have historic, i.e. old, properties - books have been written about these properties and the authors have made their opinions about urban renewals well-known.

* * *

"a plague seems quite feasible now
Or maybe a war, [...]
I'll show that dying
Is living beyond reason, sacred dimension of time [...]
Your minds are too green, I despise all I've seen
You can't stake your lives on a Saviour Machine"

-- "Saviour Machine" by David Bowie

* * *

The decision makers of Huhojt have invested in streetlights that are inaccurate of the era they were attempting to showcase, and these lights are supplied by underground wiring. Huhojt profits by renting the scenery to the Big Screen. This has sparked the residents' revolt in the past. Motion Picture has recorded in the last year or so. If I understand correctly, they plan to return and film again. And the next new big thing to be explored in Holyweird is the Flapper Era - goddamn, these people only just died for Cripe's sake! I don't think these pre-Victorian streetlights are going to win over movie makers concentrating on the Flapper Era. If these structures are burning down simply because they are old then my ex's house should be one of the next 300 to go - hm, wishful thinking.

If the inconvenience to those living in Huhojt was as simple as being in the spotlight and having streets and citybuses' itineraries rerouted, it would probably be fine, especially if the residents of Huhojt saw anything from the fiscal profit. But its not that straightforward. At best, it's notoriety.

Yes, Huhojt as a city, a political jurisdiction, is now debt free. Congratulations - Huhojt has achieved something the rest of us, whether as individuals or as entire jurisdictions, will probably never experience. Those, who stayed in and around Huhojt, will repair the damages and the rest nurse will their wounds - or, at least, that's the best possible outcome. The decision makers of Huhojt, and nearby communities, will probably never admit to doing any wrongs or take any genuine initiative to repair or prevent physical, financial, or psychological damages; and it will result in, at best, contention.

* * *

"It was supposed to be the land of wink, not the land of holy eternal hell."

* * *

The hospital, where the clinic is located, expanded their building to look like an American television Soap Opera named General Hospital. For some reason, it took multiple years of day-in, day-out, night-in, night-out ram-rodding of foundation pylons from the top of the hill to bedrock, causing structural damage to foundations up to 2 miles all directions and causing sinkholes big enough to swallow people and total an automobile's worth. Huhojt literally took a wrecking ball to City Hall. It appears Huhojt has just as many vacant if not delinquent properties as they have occupied ones or perhaps that's just another excuse for another house fire; Huhojt's crime rate is out of control; Huhojt seems contented that its oldest family trees have been put through a wood chipper leaving behind only street names and headstones; Huhojt has had, from what I can observe, a 75% turnover, and no one originating from Huhojt recognizes the place anymore because it has been over-built. And God forbid the residents get any utilizable financial or psychiatric help.

* * *

The first photo is of one sinkhole. The second and third are another sinkhole. They are approximately 3 city blocks from each other. All credits go to the local newspapers. There are others, but due to the nature of this blog I keep the sources generalized as to not get unwilling parties involved and so that sources have the possibility of being confirmed. Identities of businesses and people have been blurred in these photos.

* * *

Last November, a Huhojt mother took to social media about her postpartum depression and made news in Huhojt. I never met her before and it must be nice to be that confident. My departed grandfather only has four living family members and I'm one of them; we're going to go extinct. My recently departed grandmother only has four living family members left in this state, and I'm one of them; we will be going extinct from this state. At this point, even dreams of anything but extinction are gone. Even if given another chance, I think those dreams are gone.

When someone that's recently had a baby in a particular city sends the message it is okay to speak about psychiatric issues there, they are sending the messages of either 1.) their narcissism has overrided their maternal instinct, and/or 2.) it is okay for the crazies, elderly, children and other vulnerables to reside there; it's not!

I don't feel that when a city is on fire, bullets are everywhere, and the ground is collapsing, that's it's a good time to talk about my child to 60,000 strangers, ehrm -- I mean fans, if for no other reason than the child's safety. I feel this is especially true in cities where recording crews and fame come through; especially true in demo towns.  If I fear retaliation, then why is she not in the least bit concerned? Is she aware anyone can find her residence by dropping her name into google? She is either well-to-do and has her head in her derriere; she being manipulated to attempt to improve Huhojt's image (aren't we all); and/or this is some kind of Huhojt bating scheme. It's downright depressing to see this happens from all angles -- dang, this is one cold, cold world.

Since then, articles about police training in mental health awareness have graced the news, but then again so have stories of barricaded subjects. The town mayor says the city's problem is not the mental health system. The City Councilor says it is. Councilor-- can you be more specific?

Mayor - care to enlighten us? What or who is involved in this city's problem? If it is not the mental health system, are you taking responsibility for it? Taking initiative to properly do something about it? Are you going to show us you were voted into that office? Or are you just one of our buddies full of wonders from across the river in Puelsia Arbor ?

* * *

"What you could've taught me
I could have saved some face [...]
Now that the smoke's gone
And the air is all clear
Those who were right there
Got a new kind of fear"

* * *

I see the problem as being a problems of politics, administrative laziness or apathy, the housing system, and the psychiatry system. And anyone working in politics or any other position of authority has more ability than the patient, previous patient or the families thereof to do something about it. And so then why don't they?

I contacted the Better Business Bureau in years ago about my experiences with the clinic. They said they could try to tackle the clinic, but they had no jurisdiction over the county offices that work in tandem with the clinic.

The American Department of Homeland Security were/are investigating some of the fires. I contacted them last year after I read an article about what I felt could have been a suicide. I told them most of what can be found in this blog thus far, plus some. I said if people seeking (and not seeking) help do not get help, they may be contributing to the violence and fires.

Of course, this was a fuss - they sent officers to my parents' home, they probably sent officers to a previous apartment. I spoke on the phone with an officer. Of all that, I finally got something other than apathy. Unfortunately, my grandmother died. The officer asked if I felt safe. I lied.

I don't feel safe. I went through three cars since I contacted them, and not one of them was my fault. I've received bills for megawatt hours again, despite I shrink-wrapped the windows, put blankets over the windows and doors, turned off the breakers to the hot water tank, turned the breaker to refrigerator off, turned off all except one breaker, and heated one room with the same electric heater I've had for almost 20 years plugged into one outlet powered by a single pole breaker.

No, I'm not okay.