ABOUT THIS BLOG -- I was once a writer published the old fashioned way. I am trying to relearn that skill after 15 years of silence, exploring a topic that many are scared to explore. Seeking or being involuntary placed in mental health treatment creates a stigma for the patient -- no matter how strong or trustworthy that patient was before treatment, they are somehow deemed weak and untrustworthy. In my 30 years of psychotherapy and 15 years of silence, I've observed that should something go wrong between clinician and patient, the clinician gets the benefit of the doubt. There are advocates and organizations that are supposed to counterbalance this tendency, but I feel even they are flawed. This is a blog about my journey.

So seethe in silence for another 15 years?

I searched Huhojt again. According to 2020 census, Huhojt's population was 51,400, i.e. not very big. In a previous post, I over-estimated. My apologies.

I intended to make a list of fires and shots fired in Huhojt since 2010 to compare Covid years to those preceding them. The earliest date the newsfeed lets me read is mid April 2020. This doesn't help me create this list. It did cover the house fire next door to my parents' previous house; luckily, it was after they relocated.

The local newspapers' websites have become paid services, and, to my knowledge, don't have the extensive search capability as they once did. It feels maddening; crazy-making. An August 2012 article in the state capital's newspaper listed 13 Huhojt house fires from mid July 2012 to mid August 2012 - one of which was the building next door to the apartment I lived in at the time. Hm, there's a little proof it is not in my head.

Since the Internet seems to have adopted a temporary and fleeting nature, I wonder how things, such as genealogy searches, will be performed in the future. Most places in the developed world have public libraries that can be utilized for free. Many of these libraries have microfilms of old newspapers and other various documents. Are we all going to be required to maintain memberships to newspapers.com?

Since I went through the effort, I post the numbers I sourced from one freelancer -- probably the best freelancer in the area until their feed went eerily sparse recently. Hopefully, this indicates a lower amount of crime. Nonetheless, the numbers aren't all inclusive. Media outlets source this freelancer's stuff, but are not limited to them. And please keep in mind - this is a city of 51, 400 people.

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"I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary and softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look through other people's eyes"

-- "Pepper" (sometimes called "Avalanche") by Butthole Surfers

* * *

Since early 2021, this freelancer spoke of 146+ instances of shots fired - 20+ instances since the beginning of 2022, 59+ in the last year, 126+ in 2021. More often than not, these were multiple, sometimes excessive, shots fired in each occasion. Many were hospitalized, and numerous instances have become homicides.

I feel like I am the only person in the area without a firearm. I did a paid criminal search on Huhojt clinician, Disuet Auda, who lunged at my mother during a therapy session. According to the search results, Disuet is licensed to carry a concealed firearm. The only threat in that office was Disuet.

Since early 2021, this freelancer spoke of 49+ structure fires --14+ since the beginning of 2022, 28+ in the last year, and 35+ in 2021. The structures included single family, two family, multiple family, apartment buildings, sky rise and industrial buildings.

This freelancer also spoke of many stabbings (including several with a machete and one with a sword) and vehicles that bursted into flames. Although, I think my current town takes the cake when it come to hit-and-run vehicle accidents. I have had three vehicles in the last year. No one believed me there was something wrong with my first car, so it eventually broke, and I sold it. I combined that money with American Rescue Plan money and invested it in a newer vehicle. I was waiting my turn to take a left turn, and was rear-ended. I got another vehicle with the insurance money from that accident, and it was rear-ended while parked in front of my residence.

* * *

I socially isolated during my treatment with Disuet Auda. Every time I spoke, especially on the Facebook, there was a fire - gun or house fire. The gun fire happened a block away from where I lived and made American national news. I shut up and went into complete social isolation - no communication unless it was absolutely necessary -- no unneeded phone, Internet, or in-person gatherings. Silence did not make the fires stop in Huhojt. I got my driver's license, bought my first car, and relocated 30-45 minutes away to someplace that has three stoplights in the entire town. Thankfully, the shootings and fires did not follow me.

Peglou Selenep was my clinician after Disuet. Peglou said, my only problem was that I "talk too much."


I had isolated so much that to omit more people from my life would be to omit clinicians. Peglou and I had an appointment scheduled. I didn't go to it, and I didn't call to cancel either. How do you make a statement without speaking? Why commute an hour and a half to be told I should have stayed home? That was my last appointment in Huhojt. I wish that I could say I found better therapy elsewhere, but I didn't; however, that's another post.

* * *

But if the answer isn't violence, neither is your silence [...]
Will you speak out? Will you defend me?
Freedom of expression doesn't make it alright

-- "Ich bin ein Auslander" by Pop Will Eat Itself

* * *

This isn't the first time I sought information about unethical or abusive clinicians. There seems to have been a greater amount of resources on the Internet in the past than there is now. There was a sort of make-shift forum years ago that, if I remember correctly, was hosted on blogspot or blogger. I never contributed to it, but I read it. Someone in that forum talked about an email response they received where the respondent claimed they read the original email twice.

>Starting on April 15, 2022, I sent at least a dozen inquiries by email and web submission. I was, and still am, looking for anything - websites, information, support groups, chat rooms, message boards, skypers, email groups, personal advice, legal advice, anything but indifference.

It has been two weeks, and I received one response. At least it was a hand generated response, but it made me question if it wasn't a routine, or perhaps habitual, reply. The rest did not respond, and they did not send an auto-generated "we received your email or submission" response either.

I don't know from what organization or website the hand-generated reply came from because the email address did not indicate any particular entity or person, a google search of the email address did not reveal any entity or organization, and it was simply signed, "Jan." When I googled their email address, the search results said they were Jon instead of Jan, so we'll call them "J'.

J responded and said they read my "entire e-mail-parts of it twice", but was unwilling to "even offer peer support." They also sent a carbon copy to info@therapyabuse.org, also known as TELL, or the Therapy Exploitation Link Line, which I also contacted, and have not received a response.

I was thinking about starting a "don't bother" list, but I fear it will give too much information about me at this time.

To speak (part 1) – Catch-22’s, & the Longest Train

(Note – if the names in any of my posts seem unrecognizable, please read the opening paragraph my first blog post.)

In my last post, I spoke of how I loathe the words ‘martyr’ and ‘accountability.’ They are so repugnant to me because of an acquaintance turned neighbor turned enemy. They felt, and perhaps still feel, they’re a martyr. They also had an infatuation with Ouroboros, the symbol of a snake or dragon eating its own tail. They wanted to have this symbol tattooed on their skin. They used to say, “honesty, accountability and reliability!” I doubt they will ever be held accountable. They can shield themselves with their family’s political prestige. They can hide behind their spouse’s police badge. We all know. However, this is not my fight.

* * *

A couple of weeks ago I found a report written by a well-known Huhojt clinician, Saulo Detec, stating that there have been over 50 suicides since the beginning of the pandemic. I wish I bookmarked it. Was that for within the city or the county?

I read the Huhojt’s newsfeed last night. The writer said that 19 people have been wounded by gun shot since the beginning of the year. I believe it --

I woke up this morning thinking about the song ‘Royals’ by Lorde. The problem about poetry and prose, especially when quoting it as a likeness of one’s situation, is that it is subject to interpretation and misinterpretation. Hm, I have to be more specific.

The second song I thought of was a modern rendition of a late 1800s American folk song arranged so that it is sung from the female’s perspective. The song has been known as ‘In the Pines,’ ‘The Longest Train’, ‘Where did you sleep last night?’, ‘My Girl’, ‘Poor Girl’, ‘Black Girl’, and ‘Hey Boy in the Pines.’ It is said to be the most recorded song in American history.

All the renditions of the song are about transgression, some darker transgressions than others. The first version of the song I heard was about infidelity, hurt, fear, and death. Others version include topics of losing ones’ mind. The wikipeda article mentions other version that reference the American Great Depression.

* * *

Looking back at 30 years of mental health treatment (which includes my adolescence), I feel burned, “groomed”, “scripped”*, hazed, and “gaslit”. It is a desolate feeling that I’ve experienced these events countless times before, will experience them infinite times again, and have no power to successfully deal with or avoid them. It feels like my therapy has been to help anyone but me.

*I can’t find a link that describes what being scripped is; I found a page a decade ago, but it seems to have disappeared. From what I understand it is a slang word meaning tricked, stripped, scrapped, scripted, doctored, short changed and/or forced to follow a preset dialogue; be a “prop.” If anyone finds a page that seems to define the word similarly, please let me know.

To describe each of these events would be too lengthy for one blog post, so I’ll start with the most extreme, and talk about other events later.

In the early 2000s, my ex had an affair on me the same time as my father had an affair on my mother. My parents stayed together and hopefully worked through their differences. I was, and in many ways still am, absolutely home-wrecked. I received death threats from the home-wrecker via Internet despite avoiding the physical and digital areas my ex, the home-wrecker and their families were known to frequent.

I haven’t had a relationship since the affairs. I was broke through the recession and housing crisis. I had other concerns at the home front, and I literally couldn’t afford conflict. I was financially prudent for many years, but eventually I was committed to the psychiatric hospital, ended up physically ill and homeless.

The first problem with my clinician, Disuet Auda, was a combination of conflict of interest and possible gaslighting. I didn’t realize it until years later. I relocated an hour away, completely socially isolated, deeply mediated on it, and asked about it.

Thankfully, I have not been directly sexually abused by a clinician. I feel what some clinicians have encouraged between patients is more than questionable. And well – I saw what I believe to be Lari Biw’s obituary recently. The feeling is strange, and I don’t know how to put it into words.

Disuet was a clinician that was approximately 40-years-old when I was 16-years-old. Disuet seemed to have special interest in known sex offender, Lari Biw. My family and I had an order of protection against Lari. We formally requested both Lari and Disuet stay away from me, my family and my case file. When I was in my 30s, another Diseut Auda with the same or similar appearance was approximately 29-years-old. (Their facebook says they are currently 36-years-old; the same age as the home-wrecker.) My family and I still don’t care for Disuet.

By time I started therapy with this new Disuet, my family was experiencing 2-3 deaths in the family per year. I hadn’t missed an appointment, but then another death, so I tried cancelling the subsequent appointment. They threatened to drop my case if I missed the appointment. Later, Disuet rescheduled an appointment with me because there was allegedly a death in their family. Perhaps, I should have requested a new clinician at that very moment, but I didn’t because the clinic had a waiting list.

Disuet seemed rather apathetic when I tried to talk about my ex and trust issues during a later session, so I asked my mother to accompany me to the next appointment. Disuet literally lunged at my mother like they wanted to physically fight my mother.

* * *

This will probably be my last blog for the week. I need time to recuperate from from the recollecting process. And well -- I need to adult for a bit.

‘Experiences of Complaints about Counselling, Psychotherapy and Casework: Voicing the Need for Accountability and Care’ by Deborah Sauvage

Trying to find anything applicable on the Internet has been a daunting task for a couple of weeks, but I found something. I haven’t read it all yet, but thought I should post it just in case I lose my copy, want to read it on my phone, or if there are people reading this blog already.

A study named ‘Experiences of Complaints about Counselling, Psychotherapy and Casework: Voicing the Need for Accountability and Care’ by Deborah Sauvage published in 2013 hosted by Griffith University in Australia.

I accessed it on April 20-21, 2022. I recommend visiting it on your browser, and saving the file to your computer just in case GriffithU moves or removes it. And should anyone notice the link becomes broken, please notify me somehow.

So far –

The upsides
- It’s a free book in pdf format. You don’t need to share your email or sign up for anything,
- It references books titles that may or may not be applicable to self-healing and other studies, including those from the USA.

The downsides
- The bulk of the material is from the clinicians’ perspective; however, the whole study is about complaints about the mental health system.
- It’s written from the perspective of Australia, so government offices and organizations have different names.

* * *

Unrelated – I loathe the words ‘accountability’ and ‘martyr’. Perhaps someday I will explain why I will use every synonym but not those words. It is political, and I hate politics.

Anonymity, some background & looking in from the outside

If one intends on questioning the mental health system, it’s a good idea not to mention names or locations. Once you have the stigma of mental illness, all it takes is one complaint to lose your personal freedoms. The complaint could be submitted by anyone, and could be about something you are doing in public, private, in-person, on the phone, through a text, and even on the Internet.

A ‘mental health arrest’ can be one of two things. (1) You are removed from your home by one or more EMTs and brought to a psychiatric evaluation. The ambulance is more likely to provide you with the documentation authorizing your ‘arrest,’ and are gentler than police (unless you are the violent type). Or (2) the police remove you from your home, often brutally and without a warrant or documentation, and bring you to a psychiatric evaluation. Once at the psychiatric evaluation, the evaluator can choose to release you, or hold you for observation (involuntary commitment) for up to 30 days. I’ve seen both – the month-long stay when I received the paperwork up front by an EMT, and released after a 15-minute evaluation to the radiology department to make sure nothing was broken. Add the risk that someone in the mental health system may be abusing their power or abusing you, its makes it even worse.

Even if you aren’t questioning the legitimacy of the mental health system, the multitude of ways one’s basic humans rights are vulnerable simply because of a mental illness diagnosis is, at least, an entire blog post unto itself. Perhaps, another day...

I should probably mention that I’m not some kind of punk. (Not that punks are bad. The “punk” attitude influenced history for positive social change, and there is an old saying about the compatibilities between punks and monks, to which, I identify as the latter.) I have zero criminal record, not even a parking ticket. I don’t have a hard time understanding difficult concepts – I graduated high school early, have been on the National Dean’s List, in an International Honor Society, and in one of the Who’s Who of America’s Top Students books.

* * *

Every day, I read a newsfeed about the city my family and I came from that we’ll call Huhojt for the purpose oft his blog. I will probably speak about it and other nearby places later. My ancient and massive family tree used to live there. Family started dying at one person a year or relocating en masse over a decade ago. Without a break, the deaths spiked to 4 per year since Covid or immediately prior to Covid. About 6 family members currently remain in Huhojt.

Huhojttroyny is a small city in the USA with a population of 50000 people. A famous poem about Christmas was published there, and when Huhojt was viewed from across the river during winter, it looked like a cover of an old-fashioned Christmas card. It has more than one almost-prestigious, if not prestigious, colleges in it. It had bad parts of town, but the bulk was well-mannered or better. l wasn’t afraid to walk almost 2 miles at ungodly hours to hang out with friends at a nearby greasy spoon twenty years ago -- I’d be petrified to do that now. I am, at the very least, thankful we no longer reside in or near Huhojt and have no reason to go there.

Most recent on the newsfeed are shots fired – hm, nothing new. It has literally occurred at least once a week for over a decade. There was an incidence there were more empty shells on the ground than the recent Brooklyn shooting.

Second most recent was a fire – hm, nothing new. It has literally occurred at least once a week for over a decade.

Third most recent is a drown toddler. This is the second dead child under the age of 5 in, if I remember correctly, less than 5 years. The first one died because of a gunshot. And I feel the need to tear apart the story about this drown child because it is so farcical --

The authorities were contacted on Easter because the resident’s nephew had gone missing. The article claimed the yard and swimming pool were checked several times. Two hours later, the child’s body bubbled up to the surface of the swimming pool. They claimed the pool was greenish-black and filled with leaves “from last winter.” (1) Proper pool maintenance requires a winter pool cover. (2) Google Earth and Google Maps show this pool in the same condition when the trees were green, which means either last summer or a previous summer. (3) Mammalian corpses initially float, then sink, then float again after decomposition starts (24+ hours later); Either they weren’t very thorough or there is foul play.

The article quoted at least three people expressing how proud they are of this neighborhood. Their pride seems excessive, perhaps even as if they are on the offensive. Have they no shame? For Cripe’s sake – a child is dead and onlookers are questioning the story! Either way, the gofundme page raised $10,000USD in less than 24 hours.. While I haven’t seen the obituary yet, a local funeral parlor has the child listed on their site.