ABOUT THIS BLOG -- I was once a writer published the old fashioned way. I am trying to relearn that skill after 15 years of silence, exploring a topic that many are scared to explore. Seeking or being involuntary placed in mental health treatment creates a stigma for the patient -- no matter how strong or trustworthy that patient was before treatment, they are somehow deemed weak and untrustworthy. In my 30 years of psychotherapy and 15 years of silence, I've observed that should something go wrong between clinician and patient, the clinician gets the benefit of the doubt. There are advocates and organizations that are supposed to counterbalance this tendency, but I feel even they are flawed. This is a blog about my journey.

I do NOT consent.

As per protocol established long before most people ever logged into the Internet, you are seeing this post because I was not available for some reason -- lack of Internet access, hospitalization, too sick/weak, death, abduction, etc -- to prevent it from posting. My name is Davinay Soucy. I was born Albany, NY on June 15, 1979. You can find my family tree at https://www.findagrave.com/user/profile/50527770. The icon image is a photograph of me taken with a rudimentary camera on film I developed myself when I was approximately 14-years-old. I also put this link of my 23andme genetics test profile so that my relatives could find their branches of the tree by way of many peoples' research. Back to the issue at hand. I asked for help. I asked for help repeatedly for decades, and every single day of those decades I have been in pain, unnecessary pain. unneccessary physical and emotional pain. As I write this there are only 4 soucys left by birth. We are going extinct. And if you can read this post, then chances are I did never did get the help I was legally entitiled to. Also, as for that don't bother list. Do not bother with any Survivor's Groups in the northeast USA; they literally are unable to folow protocol for some reason; they don't care if your life is in danger. Do not bother with lawyers claiming they help in these matters, they don't respond. Please do not go to Samaritan Hospital's Mental Heatlh. Avoid it at all costs. Avoid therapists named Katri Noble for sh lies, avoid Elena Tanski for she is violent, avoid Daniela Andrade for she will tell you that you talk too much, and the previous three many people suspect use nothing morethan prerehearsed roles rather than any real investment, avoid Sarah Koch for she will laugh at you when you are sick, avoid Sarah Fryer or Sarah Frier for she doesn't care if your life is in danger, avoid Victoria D'Ambrose of NYS and NJ for she is a psychopath, and avoid Catholic Chairities because they aren't going to help in the matter. You may even find other people in your life repeating these peoples' behaviors; it sucks and its creepy. They will tell you this torture is to save your dad; bullshit. They will tell you this torture is to help your beloved deceased grandmother; bullshit and both grannies would tell (you and) me that as well. If you find yourself recieving the therapies I have described, simply jump ship as soon as possible and never look back. Chances are they are selling, what I am going to call your soul, for the benefit of their company, the city the company is located in, or themselves with the alleged therapeuticp process. Let's just hope I'm not waking up from strange dream tha I saw 2022 again, but it's only 2006 like last time... "Father, Revered and feared be your name, Your kindgom come, your will unbroken on Earth as it is in heaven Let us enjoy today and have hope for the future Let bygones that can be bygone be such. For you are the kingdom, the power and glory, Forever. Amn" (And yet I change the poem above because people, humans, think they ae gods. If God existed, I think He'd know who is still learning in the alt line "Forgive the mistakes of those still learning." The people and entities listed avove would claim they are still learning. You don't get an entire 200 year gargantuan family tree dead if people ar still learning. I mean -- learningto do what? Kill?) "And ye harm none, do what you will; so mote it be." Heavenly Father, and other gods: I follow all your rules, why do you hate me?


Side bar. despite a winery, it has nothing to do with a liquor license.

Reasons not to support a treatment plan. Criticism of a Good Housekeeping magazine article.


Shots fired last night.

* * *

"What to Say to (and Not Say) to Someone Who is Depressed" by Lisa Bain in Good Housekeeping Magazine. Accessed 9:22AM EST USA.

"Support their treatment plan."

So simply laugh at them when they cry, lie to them, lunge at them and tell them to get over it, tell them to shut up, send them letters months after you stop speaking, advise them to give into temptation, and tell them to throw it up in the air (perhaps, this is a metaphor for 'give up')?

Nonetheless, imagine these messages did not come from a psychotherapist, but rather a family member or friend or even lover/spouse. If your family member, friend or lover/spouse laughed at your pain, lied to you, lunged at you and told you to get over it, told you to shut up, kept sending you letters months after you broke up or stopped talking, told you take an obvious unnecessary risk (perhaps, even gave you bad advice), and then told you to give up --- would you stick around? What personality would you consider this friend, family member or lover/spouse to have? Would you find this treatment acceptable? And if not, then what makes it excusable for a psychotherapist to do to a patient?

While there are other articles that are probably more scientific and also include how these tactics can lead to physical abuse, I ask those reading this blog to direct their attention to an article named  "4 Stages in the Cycle of Abuse" by Sarah Makin at Makin Wellness (accessed May 22, 2022 at 11:22AM EST USA.) Particularly, the fourth section and the fourth topic of the fifth section. (Yep, can already feel the criticism; already at that build stage.)

This Good Housekeeping article has a section about suicide. Is the message sent from the theoretical psychotherapist, friend, family member, lover/spouse suitable for someone depressed enough to consider suicide? Or how about the opposite direction? Or what about mental illnesses or "mental illnesses" that involve sexuality, or control or lack thereof (such as gambling and eating disorders)?

And you wonder why there was such a spike in violence.

Good Housekeeping, I used to really like your publication, but this is not one of your best.

My advice -- if their therapy sounds questionable, it probably is questionable, and if you care about this person, you may at some point, want to tactfully and compassionately explain this to them. Be supportive of the individual, not their treatment plan.

?, ? & ?

 I originally posted this to another location. I don't even try here now. Copy and paste. Here ya go --

"I am putting this here because I caught blogger lying about my blog hit count. (Edit - later, I found italic text non-italicised, and justified paragraph alignment right justified, despite I did not edit those posts.) The hit counter was either correct yesterday or correct today but not both - so I'm putting blogger in observation.

* * *

Considering so many people seem so dictated by their internal noise, I must wonder the source of their internal noise. Do they ask themselves -- will I be proud of doing that? Will I be ashamed of doing that? Since we need to spell it out -- I guess the better questions for the morally devoid would be -- will I be proud of doing that if I am figured out? Will I be ashamed of that if I am figured out? I really question this in the field of mental health -- there are no rules, and the mind, for the human, is the center of all things; it is the repository of all things we, as individuals, have learned, it is a basis of our human experience, the mind even has a limited capacity to heal the body, it can even keep the heart ticking. But I guess there are people who would rather damage both of those body parts on another, or perhaps even all of them. Yes, make the sickest people cower -- that's hospitable; correct? And yes, make a fool out of someone who would have been otherwise kind to you, and yet wonder why mental illness is considered to be the most common illness in America.

* * *

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable (inalienable) Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." The American Declaration of Independence

I link the wiktionary entry to each of the words because there are those would interpret it in a bastardized way, such as the following --

We require these truths to be proven only to us that because the era this document was written we were our own brand of Christian and so chauvinistic that only white heterosexual Christian men (despite that back then adulthood legally was considered less than 18 or 21 years of age) with giant phalli have rights bestowed upon them by Divine Kings by a portion of their person for the sole purpose of becoming Divine Kings to obstruct anything we choose whenever we choose, and if you prance around in skin-tight cat-suits and stroke only our egos, then we might let you live.

* * *

"Intolerance, self glorified ignorance
That sucked you down with your face pushed against the fence
Why don't you finish yourself, since you don't really care [...]
Just give it a go
Hey you, what the fuck is wrong with you? [x4]
What the fuck is wrong with you? [x3]
Part of me (part of me)
Suffocate (suffocate)
Tolerate (tolerate) [...]
Experience (experience)
Intolerance (intolerance)
Familiar (familiar)"

-- 'WTF is Wrong With You People?' by Combichrist

* * *

Now, let's attempt a more reasonable approach.

It is said that this rule as found in the second paragraph of this post is one of the most important written rules in American history. Without it America's past 245 years would have been very different and the American way of life; other ways of life by way of association, would be very different. This document was written for really one purpose - self-respect. But we can split it into two purposes. (1) to create self-respect and order amongst like-minded individuals, and (2) to inform the Old World, and all other willing to listen, that we had tried everything we could think of the work with the bully, but since the relationship has become unbearable, we are dissolving our union with the bully and refusing to pay taxes. We'll drink coffee instead of your tea! (I have nothing inherently against tea, but I culturally I gravitate toward coffee. Matter of fact, I was one of the last to stockpile for Covid, and I still made sure to get the biggest box of my favorite tea.)

So let's look at the sentence at the beginning of this blog in its parts to view the whole clearly.

The first word is 'we.' Not I, not you, not them, not they. The syntax starts with the word 'we'. At the time of my writing this blog, this indicates that 327+ million people that currently call the current landmass named the United States of America home, and possibly their friends are included in this word. In 1776, this was a different number. Next year, decade, century, millennia, the number may be different, but right now the 327+ million people that call themselves America are this first word.

The next words are "hold these truths to be self-evident." That means the 327+ million people that currently call the United States of America home plus all those people, with their identities at that time, who have called it or one of its variations home from 1776 until this moment plus some, attest and maintain that this document, or at least, "[w]e hold these truths to be self-evident," is self-proving or otherwise a given.

Then what is the given?

"[T]hat all men are created equal." The word 'men' is plural of the word 'man,' and derives form of the word huMAN i.e. sapien, which may or may not have physical and genetic qualities of sapiens' ancestors and may or may not also have already started to evolve into whatever is next. And if I were some other of God's creature than human, I'd submit the previous sentence and the following to be considered for their encyclopedia entry for 'human.'

Humans are the most common species of primate found on planet Earth, but they can be occasionally found visiting and residing, for short periods of time, outside Earth. They are the top of Earth's food chain as they have dominated over most other species; however, there is an occasional, sometimes worldwide, war with pathogens or each other; or, at a local level, with a range of undesirable small species they call insects and rodents. Historically, humans were famous for their delicate balance of compassion, learning and techniques/art of war, as this delicate balance best guaranteed their survival.

Humans may be male, female, neither, both, identifiable or unidenitfiable; however, the most common are male and female and cells from one of each are required for the humans to reproduce naturally.

Humans' skin has several textures, regardless of other identifying features, that range from smooth to rough, moist to dry, sensitive to tough, thick and thin skin sometimes having different textures found on an individual. The skin ranges in color from the lightest of off-white to the darkest brown-black, and what some interpret as dark red or red brown skin. The skin may or may not have visible patches or spots or lighter or darker skin.

Human fur can be found on many parts all over the body, but is most commonly found on the head, loins and armpits. Human infants and children generally do not have much fur as humans don't grow all their fur until reproductive maturity. Human fur can be straight, curly or in between, and much like, but not necessarily identical the individual's skin, ranges in color from the lightest of off-white to the darkest of black to the reddest of red. Aging humans may have grey fur; grey fur interspersed with the fur color they had in their youth, and ageing males may lose the fur from their heads. The involuntary loss of fur in females usually indicates poor health. Some prefer to remove their fur or artificially change their fur's colors. Fur may be long or short, but the longest fur is generally found on the head. Humans' fur ranges in texture from silky to woolen and everything in between.

Humans' eyes, which there are generally two, are located on the upper portion of the face just above each side of the nose, and they are mostly white, but with a circle of blue, green, grey, amber, hazel, brown, black, or rarely pink-red surrounding a black dot that changes in size.

Humans may come in a variety of heights, weights, widths, depths, strengths, weaknesses, competencies, incompetencies, abilities and disabilities and there is considerable variation amongst shapes and proportions of their parts.

If there is exclusion of anyone, then we are not the 'we' found at the beginning of this rapport; therefore we reference other important documents in order to mediate, in this case what other than the Caucasian male human is considered by us as human, alongside and including the Caucasian male human. I wrote the previous sentence as I did because if we go to the extremes to do unto others what they did or what we perceive they did to us, then we are just as guilty; however, other documents describe situations of protest that are acceptable, and even anarchy and war. Before the majority or minority of any gender or persuasion head dives into this, please remember this is about achieving 'we' and the same rules and freedoms to apply to them. I don't know anyone who wants to live amongst, let long raise babies in a situation that escalates to conflict or war.



EDIT -- While I never shunned websites like wikihow, I sort of thought that many of their articles were no-brainers. Some articles would give a new perspective on something I already knew, while other would make me giggle because they were about such simple concepts that part of me thought they were attempting comedy -- I guess not. There was only about five articles at this website that I didn't look at it and think either, 'well, no shit,' or 'this article is not entirely accurate.' Usually, it is the former. There is an article hosted there named 'How to be Human.' I think they are missing some things, and adding things that aren't absolute truth, but it's a start. The problem is that the people, who have power, aren't even acting as civilized as wild beasts -- I point this out, and it pisses the 'them' off, so they bring their wrath out on someone else -- like a misguided uncivilized wild animal or even worse. The way I see it is human has mastered, manipulated, or even ruined the world and everything within it more than any natural beast could dream of, so if one is less civilized than even a wild animal, they wish to be seen as less than a wild animal; correct? I guess for some reason, I need to set out on a lifelong endeavor to find words to explain concepts we should all understand. But I guess, I will keep adding more resources about how to be not even emotionally or morally be human, but how to be a mammal, but with the goal to express how to be a specific mammal named human.

NOTE 2 - As it is required for any species to survive, perhaps defining what is not human would be more effective? I thought that was what law was supposed to do -- to define those behaviors that we, as a whole, consider to be self-depreciating -- but as law, even natural law or even natural science,  does not exist, we have to create our own rules and have to concisely explain them at great length repeatedly. So what is NOT human? Some of what is HUMAN is also animal as we are mammals.

Species, of all kinds, do not survive when that species turns on their own species -- it doesn't matter if that species is human, chimpanzee, donkey, elephant, amoeba, virus, bacteria, plant, etc.  But please laugh at someone else's pain, lunge at them with your hackle up; tell them to shut up twice causing a vulnerability to do it to the next person; tell them to simply fall madly in bed with someone; tell them since you don't see it that it does not exist (wow, that's what happened when I socially isolated?); tell them if you throw something up into the sky it is going to stay there (because I guess we are all astronauts and rocket scientists); claim their story is not legit because you think it sounds too much like someone else's; condemn them for not wanting to suffer through it again; take away any of their personal power to do anything about it; scar them as punishment; or mock them until they make a fool of themselves; I sarcastically ask -- because these are going to make any species consciously want to stick around and/or (pro)create? *shakes head* Heck, don't matter if its terrestrial or extraterrestrial, plant, bug, pathogen or animal, I don't think they'd find any of it habitable. Even a rock that is kicked around will eventually wear away. Good God.



So, now we are back at the beginning of the grammatical sentence - 'we'. Are we 327+ million like-minded people? No. Well then, what was this document to achieve? Self-respect. In between 1776 and now, Americans have felt it necessary to amend this and other documents in order to best mediate disagreements amongst Americans, and to mediate arguments between Americans and other peoples. If we cannot agree on the meaning or translation of important or original rules, we have created entire libraries of texts to help us figure out if we are indeed a 'we', and to discern if the rule, its vernacular, or implementation is reasonable or faulty.

So - "[w]e hold these truths to be self-evident." 327+ million living humans, who reside in and outside of the landmass known as the United States America, accept and maintain this declaration is a given.

"[T]hat they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable (inalienable) Rights". That we have because of grace, virtue and/our our own individual serendipitous natures that may or may not work in concert or unison with others' graces, virtues and/or others' individual serendipitous natures, -- regardless what God or gods each of us worship or do not worship, or who each of us deify or do not deify, -- we have certain enforceable powers and privileges and that cannot be given away, used up, or abandoned.

We, regardless what God or gods each of us do or do not worship or who each of us deify or not deify, as 327+ million living humans, who reside in and outside of the landmass known as the United States America accept and maintain this declaration as a given because of grace, our own virtue and by way of and with our own serendipities, possess certain enforceable powers and privileges and that cannot be given away, used up, or abandoned.

"[T]hat among these". That indicates there are is more than the list that follows. Perhaps one could say these include but are not limited to.

We, regardless what God or gods each of us worship or who each of us deify or don't deify, as 327+ million living humans, who reside in and outside of the landmass known as the United States of America accept and maintain this declaration is a given because of grace, our own virtue and by way of and with our own serendipities, possess certain enforceable powers and privileges that cannot be given away, used up, or abandoned, which include, but are not limited to"

"Life, liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness." I was trying to find words to convey the idea that if one agrees to be peaceful, then peace is more likely to be attained, and if one agrees to fight or otherwise antagonize, conflict is more likely to occur. And I found these in Wikipedia, so it shows that this concept is a more worldly than less worldly. "Liberty, equality, fraternity" of France; "unity, justice and liberty" of Germany; "peace, good order, and good government" of the Commonwealth of Nations, "life, liberty, security of the person (enjoyment of property)" of (A)never(y)thing-read-it-twice's and my northern neighbor Canada; "life, liberty, and property" found elsewhere in American law. Similar can be found in Japan and Vietnam.

"Life". The one thing all these have in common is the right to life, so I don't feel it is necessary to give write a long drawn out translation of the word, but in a rudimentary way it is to extend the possibility continuing of those mundane things as to prevent us from being dead for as long as possible, but also to constructively interact with, be a portion of, and/or or influence our environment.

"Liberty." Freedom, or the ability to do what one chooses, especially under the condition that does not obstruct anyone else from the statement being discussed.

"And the Pursuit of Happiness." Well, we need to define what happiness is. I peacefully went to therapy because I knew I was not happy. This does not indicate that I want my psychotherapist to define it for me. If they do that, it makes them appear to be a tyrant, which also does not make me happy. I peaceably sought out therapy, and in return I received yet another impossible and petty argument by people that abuse their power, physical scars, emotional scars, dishonesty, mockery, apathy, coercion, told to shut up twice, to madly fall in bed with someone, a complete disregard of science, a complete disregard of most good things in the world, hundreds of housefires and protests, thousands of gunshots fired, a whole bunch of dead people before the pandemic, followed by a worldwide pandemic and more dead people, the silent treatment, and everyone I know seems to have lived different lives with different experiences becoming people I have never met before. This is not the loving endure-all family that stuck together since the parents were 16 and 18 years old, that had a baby that was ill, and managed to stay together until this day. I don't know who these people are - I recognize my father's voice some days, but not others. I recognize my mother in some strange way, but not as my mother. I feel like I lost my mother in the 1980s. And whatever was left her was jolted out of her by Tanski lunging at her. Instead of receiving therapy, we got the trashcan, like every other patient that is unable or unwilling to do them a personal favor.

* * *

"You're hiding from feelings, searching for more
Sharing and hoping, untouched for so long[...]
And now, I'll tell you something I think you should know[...]
You caused me confusion, you told me you cared[...]
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies
The past is your present, the future is mine [...]
When I show you what you cannot see
You've caused me some problems, you've taken my place
Why can't you see[...]"

-- Confusion' by New World Order (1995 Pump Panel mix by Bloodbath, Blade movie)

* * *

Now, I'm a mean, tired, sick, cynical, middle-aged ugly bitch, that still feels like she did when she was 14-year-old, if not even more so, being made more irate because part of me knows my mother was trying to help, being made more irate because I am getting the sneaking impression that 'they' wanted me to homewreck someone else, and being made more irate because I was required to broadcast my personal business, like a showgirl or stripper, on an open forum to make some of the jubjub stop, but really - they're more interested in fixing over there. Over there is more profitable. So what - we do it again? Because that'll make us all happy, right? Because we have been so successful the last million times? Do we have a choice? Another dead family member? Another California Cedar sized family tree through the woodchipper? Another scar? Another round for the bully to hone in on their game?

We, regardless what God or gods each of us worship or who each of us deify, as 327+ million living humans, who reside in and outside of the landmass known as the United States of America accept and maintain this declaration is a given because of grace, our own virtue and by way of and with our own serendipities, possess certain enforceable powers and privileges and that cannot be given away, used up, or abandoned, which include, but are not limited to lif ???

So instead of having the ability to make things right, what do people do? Mock the entire thing like it has no or little value. I say Britain gets to  charge them taxes then.

* * *

Considering so many people seem so dictated by their internal noise, I must wonder the source of their internal noise. Do they ask themselves -- will I be proud of doing that? Will I be ashamed of doing that? Since we need to spell it out -- I guess the better questions for the morally devoid would be -- will I be proud of doing that if I am figured out? Will I be ashamed of that if I am figured out?  I really question this in the field of mental health -- there are no rules, and the mind, for the human, is the center of all things; it is the repository of all things we, as individuals, have learned, it is a basis of our human experience, the mind even has a limited capacity to heal the body, it can even keep the heart ticking. But I guess there are people who would rather damage both of those body parts on another, or perhaps even all of them.

Comments disabled.

Comments have been disabled. Blogger tells me that I have not recieved any comments, so there's is nothing to note. Please see sidebar of this blog named 'Be kind' for the reason or if you want to contact me.

Psst -- I didn't post this.

Psst… I am still on hiatus. Leaving this note here because I have to put it somewhere. Inspiration strikes at the most inopportune times. I am honest to a fault. There are very distinct personalities that feel otherwise and those personalities are few and comprise of those that would take advantage of me, you or anyone else. There is a conversation I’ve had with a few people I sort of wish I didn’t have, but without them, I live in a world of giving all and receiving apathy. The other says, “Damn, why are you always right?” Instead of spelling it out to them, I respond, “Sometimes I wish I wasn’t.” Now this does not indicate for my reader to engage in jackassery. And yes, this is a word that I borrowed from another old acquaintance that had similar experiences with the local mental health system, who has hopefully found peace in another United State a couple days drive away. There are other quips we borrow from people, who have had similar experiences as well, that we hope they have found peace i.e. ‘right kind of asshole’ and yes, sometimes we, as people, require just the right kind of jerk to remedy – I firmly believe the denial of this has to capacity to explode into things such as war, but for most of us – that right kind of asshole need not fling guns or Molotov cocktails around – they can usually simply be themselves, but (un)fortunately they are too busy in another state a couple of days drive away trying to make a better life. This paragraph indicates that I give credit where credit is due and that I don’t want to be a doomsayer or naysayer, but in a world of ever-increasing apathy, am I supposed to say nothing? Or worse -- join in on the tactics of the morally devoid? We have a couple of ways of ways of life in my social circles and family. They can be summed up with one statement and one question. The statement is – love is not the opposite of hate, apathy is. It takes investment of at the very least, energy, to love or to hate, but apathy requires no vestment at all. The other way of life is summed up by one question – do you want the truth or do you want a lie? We first assume you want the truth, tactfully put, because that is what we want, but we are also pacifists, so if you indicate you want a lie, then ok, we will lie to you. If you tell us to shut up when we are in pain or worse, danger,, then what does that mean? That you only want to hear happy things? That you are putting vestment in, but that you want us to lie? Please specify because it appears that you wish for us all to waste our precious energy.


Postscript -- Yes, we will simply lie. We will give you what you want. It doesn't matter if the situation is large or small, I offer the following example. Person A says, "do these make me look fat?" We answer honestly, "yes they do," or "you may want to try another." Person A responds, "Your mean." We respond, "Ok, you look fine." Later, person B mentions person A's butt looks big in those pants. What are we supposed to do? We answer affirmatively; otherwise, it makes us look like the fool. Now, take that into other arguments. Is this person, powerful or powerless, apathetic to the needs of others? Is this politician good or are they another jerk? But the morally devoid think this is just another paragraph to mock.

Hiatus from net; life is for living

          I think this will be my last blog post for a while. I’m okay with being archived or submitted to the search engines as many people are. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen a blog like my own; the first one was the early 2000s – right around when the trio of evil started working at Samaritan. They were local blogs – yeah, pummel the locals because they are loco, right? Best thing to do when psychotherapy starts an eternity of apathy from all directions is to get ones’ story and perhaps advice out so that someone else knows they aren’t alone, and no its not in their head. I’ll be back in a month with the more posts about my decade of hell and a don’t bother list.
          These posts are getting rather long. The reason for this is because I feel like I need to spell everything out with the most concrete and concise language while talking to an intellectually challenged 3-year-old. The latter is difficult to achieve when one is trying to explain rather adults things that, according plenty of texts, a normal 3-year-old is supposed to have not mastered yet but be learning about, and all the while trying to make it obvious those things that I am simply going to be blaringly obvious about from here on out – equipping my blog with whatever proofs I cam find..

* * *

          I have a textbook on interpersonal communications from my own college years that I aced with flying colors and received an award from the department chair for, and that book says noise prevents people from understanding each other. That noise, even between two individuals, can be external noise such as the train that recently went by, a fussy baby, or the radio on in the background. That noise could be on behalf of the speaker or writer choosing the incorrect wording, stumbling over words or not speaking loudly, quietly, clearly or concisely enough. But that noise could also be the listener or reader’s internal noise.
          I do not know why some people assume/presume/believe the things they do when it pertains to me, what I say, write or do – to me their assumptions are controlled by their internal noise. I was actually writing the exact opposite way I once did – purposely using words that are homonyms to convey messages that were not said directly, purposely avoiding words that would have a vague meaning. Hm, the word assume. Dismiss is another example. To dismiss someone is to act as if an argument is invalid or illogical, unless you are talking about the things I am. If a politician, clinician, lawyer dismisses you while talking about these topics, it’s not just dismissive. I am one person that has justifiable reason not to trust. I don’t feel saying this should exploit or cause further lack of trust either. I am pumping these blogs out once a week or more. I found some of them sound plagiarized, but really – when you can’t say, or if its too hard to bear, and you shouldn’t have gone through that letlong repeatedly there’s only so many ways one can arrange letters and words to convey a message unless I lie like my pumpkin spice freind or I try to learn a new language, to which I can read five and nominally sign one.
          I presume the big obvious things –  I assume that since this world has become competitive enough to require firearms and associate collegiate degrees to find work, that we have all made it through Kindergarden or similar. Even though each home, place of business, village, town, city, county, state, province, nation, and heck – even religion -- has different laws, they are similar in the way they are intended to maintain a functioning and self-respecting people.

* * *

          I think instead of trying to categorized the mental illnesses that have existed since the beginning of humanity into neater, smaller, tidier, plentiful and possibly manipulative categories, we need to go the other direction. First, what is the involuntary period and is it legally mandated – I have seen, heard or experienced 48 and 72 hours, 7, 14, 21, 28, 30, 45, 60 and 120 days. These people don’t use their real names and send mixed messages – that’s very noisy. How is someone who is already distraught supposed to make heads or tails of that noise?
          Then let’s take the next most obvious -- voluntary versus involuntary because involuntary, inpatient or outpatient, generally indicates more problematic. The next levels -- mental illness that's inherent or mental illness that arises out of an experience, dangerous versus not dangerous; and hurt self versus hurt another. Some of us are indeed dangerous. Some aren’t. Not only does every patient have a different trigger for whatever symptoms or “symptoms” they experience, every human and every mammal has a different trigger.
          Then there is this other level that I feel shouldn’t exist: willing or unwilling insanity. Some people have come to like it. Maybe they get a rise out of it. Or maybe they don’t know there is anything else.
          I don’t want to be scared, depressed, anxious; single, or battle insomnia or migraines. I don’t want the fatigue, brain fog or to be involuntarily placed in the same room with a pyromaniac, or the same ward with a man with uncontrolled (psycho)sexual desires.
          I don’t want to be stuck in a ward of a bunch of broken and financially broke people with candida infections getting testy or touchy as we watch some indifferent shrink show off large print vividly colored photographs of their expensive vacation to their coworkers. Don’t you think that’s a bit risky? Is the clinician going to think I mention this out of malice and not concern for their or my own well-being? And why do the patients have yeast infections? Is it the same reason they need to run our urine through a large gauge expensive metal syringe? What if a violent patient got a hold of one of those? No urine cups that couldn’t second a weapon available for the psych ward? I guess they’re blind and can’t do a visual inspection for sediment or stones. They rather take people coming in from house fires and gunshots and traumatize them further visually.
          Freud said that we have nightmares because of unresolved conflict. I’m going to have nightmares for the rest of my life just from their laziness and unwillingness to use their God-given eyeballs.
          The amount of time it took to push that urine through that syringe they could have set the cup down, had a short conversation showing the patient they’re actually human or even pompously talked with their coworker about their fancy vacation, then pick up the cup and friggin looked at it. And… and is this place a modern psychiatric unit with a modern hospital that had positive outcomes since WWII– or have they opted to be a bedlam? Y’know what folks, avoid hospitals with the name Samaritan. Avoid Troy. For your own best interest.
          To prize the dangerous’ behavior is not going to make that dangerous person less dangerous. To punish the dangerous because they remain calm solely to stroke the clinic’s ego out is not going to help that dangerous person. To punish the passive because they act out is not going to help that passive person. To reward the passive simply because they’re passive isn’t going to help that passive person – that last one is a big problem in the entire system. Clinician don’t want an argument. My kind of passive don’t want an argument either, but I have the right to self-preserve. People have the right to know what they are getting into and decide for themselves if that is the form of therapy that is going to be useful.
          What therapeutic quality would it serve to make patient with PTSD and the patient that’s a pyromaniac roommates? Am I supposed to simply “toughen up”? Was I supposed to channel my inner firefighter granddaddy? No other roommates available? And what happens when the entire ward is complaining about cottage cheese in their underwear? Yes, but keep the blood pressure low, sure, buddy because raging yeast infections are going to keep blood pressure low.
          I think clinicians need to rigorously and at random tested at random to assess the strength of their character. If the clinician banks off subversion, then hides behind a diagnostic manual, then we need to design assessments that reveal this. We should build assessments to reveal those weaknesses in clinician’s personality and moral code, big and small, to reveal tendencies from everything from mistreatment to fraud to torture to other most damaging. And have assessment results be available should the patient, clinician or system be called into question. I think it would make for a safer, more effective and efficient system than even all these complaints that can be found in this information and digital era. Unfortunately, these words I write are already censored. I think it would be most efficient if we combined both concepts. I feel those in positions of power, such as police and politicians, should also go through these assessments, but I will feel lucky if simply clinicians are assessed because police are, at this point, at the whim of an anonymous clinician. And many politicians, I guess, are willing to be at the whim and make those they allegedly represent be at the whim of the clinician.
          Instead, the most disadvantaged (on average) are expected to placate a system where an anonymous person can take away a patients freedoms’ and (federal) rights without the legally required due process of things worse than simply mental illness, and a clinician and do that without even a warrant. Yes, I understand that there are those of us who are indeed dangerous, but I think an assessment of the clinician should be aimed at assessing if the clinician has the strength of intellect, deductive reasoning, and moral standard to deduce who is a real danger, who is a perceived danger, the real reason why that real or perceived danger is acting out, and perhaps most importantly the appropriate amount of force used against someone who is acting out.
          Here’s a question that should be on tests and textbooks -  patient A is a 127lb mid 30-something female with known severe anemia and alopecia. She has been in obvious poor health for many years, where she experiences episodes of fainting and vomiting. She has sought emergency services and has been hospitalized in a medical setting for her physical symptoms. She has an even longer medical proven medical history that does not involve the aforementioned symptoms. (i.e. we all should be able to plainly observe with our eyeballs she is weak.) She sought psychological care as a voluntary outpatient and waited an entire year because her local clinic has a waiting list. She does has a history with mental illness, but her records indicate she is nonviolent. She also does not have a criminal record. Her town is having a massive spike in violence and street crime. She resides in part of town that, even during the average year is prone to more crime than other areas. Children reside in her building. The public opinion of police in this town is undesirable. This patient is a rape survivor; she sought out therapy for anxiety, depression and trust issues. One day she acts out within her own home. What is the appropriate response?
A.) Send two uniformed men that weigh over 200lbs each without documentation of her arrest to escort her, like a criminal, to a psychiatric evaluation.
B.) Send two uniformed men that weigh over 200lbs each with documentation of her arrest to escort her, like a criminal, to a psychiatric evaluation.
C.) Send an ambulance with just enough physical strength to subdue her, if necessary, without any documentation of her arrest to escort her, like a patient, to a psychiatric evaluation.
D.) Send an ambulance with just enough physical strength to subdue the patient, if necessary, to present her with a psychiatric arrest warrant, and escort her, like a patient, to a psychiatric evaluation.
E.) Treat her brain, body, or existance like it’s a racecar driver’s uniform.

          Even though I fear (1) putting the wrong idea into the wrong mind because (2) for a reason unbeknownst to me or anyone else, it is more effective to broadcast ones’ problems to the open Internet instead of going to private therapy, group therapy, or privately contacting the authorities; (3) being perceived as simply crazy; or (4) point out that psychological trauma is treated by the mental health industry and psychological trauma arises from all kinds of negative experiences, I point out some things. This paragraph should inspire policy-makers to consider what I say instead of using ignoring, mocking, or locking horns with me, or any crazy. I know it will be mocked, but: something’s wrong if only one soldier with high end insurance says it is right.
          (I risk appearing crazy --  someone who says to themselves, “I know I’m not a criminal, so why are they after me” also points out police and military uniforms are easily and affordably purchased from the Internet. I know this because I have owned military surplus bags and military boots. I have dated military brats. My family was once proud to be American and willingly were part of the military. I, as someone, who does not have a criminal record, have no knowledge to discern one badge from another – that badge could be the security guard’s of the local mall. Perhaps, Tanski and Koch can tell badges apart, but I can’t. This information is of little use to me on a day-to-day basis.)
          They say I am crazy but I feel the proper answer is (D). If (B) or (D) occurred I would not have received marks (not scars, but this situation resulted in them too) on my body that still exist on my body today. If my case study background was different; I might say what they did was justified – he’s 6’5” tall, in good health, weighs 300lbs, lifts weights, an angry drunk and is currently intoxicated – sure, it’s better than being brought to jail in my opinion! But 5’4”, slim, voluntary, so clean it hurts, a softy, and is the one everyone knows is she’s sick– no. And (E) results in strange passing out inside-out brain, or friends that have known each other for 26 years that somehow forget we don’t do maple nut crunch in our coffee. (Now imagine the latter in a relationship like parent and child.)
          I think the system is unjust. It takes away the patients’ ability to question the system, and American law was and is supposed to be written so Americans can question it. It was and is supposed to be done this way to create a stable, productive and self-respecting people; not just a happy life for select people. If the clinician is judge and jury, I think they need to prove themselves to a greater whole of the state or country as both judge and jury would, especially if they refuse to do so for the patient. Please keep in mind that prior to Covid 33% of American have dealt with mental illness in their lifetimes, and many of those get jury summons. I truly hope I do not receive one *folds arms*.

* * *

          To make ends meet, I once worked as an under the table maid – not the pretty frilly uniform variety, but vacancies, borderline hazmat and jobs few were willing to take. Some of them were pleasant – teachers, psychiatrists, famous writers would leave parts of their book collections behind. Legally, I was supposed to throw them away, but I put them in a box next to the dumpster. If they were there 24 hours later, I took them home. Between my lifelong collection, old textbooks, freebies given away, and books I found next to the dumpster, I have more books than bookshelves.
          In hindsight, I look back at the names written inside these books, sometimes next to their course codes. These people should have known better, but they rather cause or allow to happen terrible traumas and destructions. People, who have the power to do something about it, don’t. They must get a rise out of fighting and I don’t. So, my end of the fight is a losing battle; the locals will be able to find my archived blog as I have found others’ archived and non-archived blogs.  Hopefully, they and/or I will be alive to read it. The lack of doing something about this, or any other problem, sounds wasteful to me – all the wasted tax money could have been independent housing for a lot of people, but that’s the obvious statement. The upheaval from not doing something about this, and other, problems will probably keep the same people the same kind of single, scared, and unsuccessful for eternity. I (we) have better things to do than waste. I have concluded the fields of psychiatry, psychology, law and politics employ the most manipulative and lazy people on the planet. Either that or they have some the slowest reaction times in the universe. And those who work in survivor are because of their experiences flawed, and may fall to the same tendencies as those that hurt them. It’s unfortunate. Further unfortunate these problems will probably be allowed and perhaps even promoted by those who should shun it the most.
          I think I have figured out he or she that claims to read emails twice and will be sharing that information about that in my upcoming don’t bother list. Don’t worry – I won’t say their names, but I wonder if this is synonymous with Green Island admitting they lost both of my housing applications? Or the two comas my grandfather was in? I think they accidentally, on purpose, confuse me with my mother. Anyways, this one rather channel that clinician that hurt the patient, and use the lousy excuse that it has something to do with love  – no, its about a little pattern they use to understand their lifeworld and I guess, no one else’s. It’s about proving your value to people who are just as guilty as those you are fleeing from. I don’t know how much more honesty they needed, but if anyone needs honesty to the point of excruciating pain, chances are honesty isn’t going to do any good. The feeling of falling in love is not a sane process, so why exploit it and make it worse? (We must not tolerate the morally devoid’s answer to this question.)
          I prefer to put an honest effort into trying to be helpful, for myself or possibly another, rather than act as pretense. Leave the pretension to the nightclub, where it is supposed to be, in some forms, anticipated and less harmful. People like me set out for information and support because they’ve already been played. Getting played again is jubjub. People like me have already been abused by a bureaucracy, or what I am going to call the bureaucrazy; we don’t need to fight against more people. We need less fight.

* * *

          Dang - y'know even war has rules

* * *

          We don’t just simply waltz into each others’ home or bedrooms without knocking, ringing the doorbell or asking. It is commonly accepted that we don’t pick up someone else’s phone, device or computer and go through it’s contacts, photos, documents and other contents without the owner’s permission, if not passcode.
          When I meet someone new to me, I don't just go up to them and violate physical boundaries until told to stop. For those who need everything to be as lewd and obvious as possible -- I don't know anyone who walks up to a complete stranger and starts fondling those stranger's loins until told to stop; that's a way to get yourself killed. If this physical violation is unacceptable, then it is sane and logical that it is also unacceptable to violate other boundaries. In the psychotherapist's office, just as it would be in the doctor's office, what would become lovers first time meeting, or what would become old friends meeting for the first time, a slow, gradual testing of boundaries is normal. If boundaries are pushed too far, the potential relationship generally ceases or conflict occurs. If both parties agree that the other has not pushed boundaries too far, then a relationship -- professional, public, personal, educational, familial, intimate, business, legal, all types -- is formed. In the professional, i.e. psychology and workplace training manuals, it is called 'building rapport'. In the casual or personal world, it is called 'getting to know each other' or 'building trust.'
           Now, we level up -- an individual meeting a new group of people for the first time. The new employee, religious worshipper, tenant, club-goer, or member of the think-tank or discussion group is not allowed to waltz in and offend the group. In return and in politeness, the group should approach the new individual with neutrality.
          Now we level up – the same applies to the individual entering a larger group. The school, workplace, nightclubs – but it is somewhere around this level where these lessons from pre-K and kindergarten that should continue to a macro-level smoothly, don't. It creates the dilemma for the older sibling, parents, pre-K teacher’s aide, and high school English teacher's aide, but more importantly, it creates a dilemma for the student, who is supposed to be fixated on their more obvious schoolwork. Some would say learning or the creation of new thought is, in essence, insanity – I do not agree with the components of this theory, but I understand what they were getting at. I do not feel the process of learning requires traumatization – this is punishment, not learning. I feel this theory leaves an equal vulnerability to also “forget” that which is learned. 

* * *

          Think back to that moment you were concentrating on that difficult concept you were learning and then someone throw a spitball at you or some jerk stole your pencil. That spitball, that missing pencil is dilemma. Well now, you just lost 5 or more points off your test score, and those 5 or more test points could have been the make or break you needed for that scholarship you may or may not require because of your family’s socioeconomic condition (oh, look another dilemma), to stay on the school club/team, or to perhaps simply to pass or fail. And why? Because someone wanted to be an asshole.
          There are groups that send the message of "we like to wear lots of black clothes and peaceably listen to loud music; please join us for entertainment" and from what I found mmm, yeah for the most part. But, where’s anything else? Is this the example we are to use to reaffirm to children and adolescents that this is supposed a seamless transition from micro to macro? A whole world relying on black clothes and big black boots to show the entire world there is hope for a seamless transition and peaceful self-respect?
          But then here comes the reader that somehow is devoid of all moral code – less compassionate than the wildest of animals that will interpret this blog with utmost amount of jackassery. Perhaps that reader requires a dilemma then --
Here is another group that says, "hey your therapist fucked up, my therapist fucked up, I understand you could be too mindfucked or sick to speak or walk; I am supportive; let's join forces" or even worse “we are representatives of the law and permit only proper therapy, you can come to us,” but not really. So far no answer, or told to, basically, shut up by both sides? Yet I know what my rights of self-respect are, and I understand others have the same rights.
          Here is another group that says, 'we are the authority of the mind, we are the Gods of what behaviors are acceptable, you can trust us" but eh, not really. I have to self-censor myself, and they get away with doing whatever they want – even using a diagnosis of another as a shield for their shameless behaviors.  

* * *

          And then there is this other group that sends the massage of "we are the policy-makers, we write the rules, we have the most level-headed understanding of what the rules are and how each law or policy keeps our people safe, productive and self-regarding; therefore we are trustworthy" but eh, not really. Taxes pay for all of us to familiarize ourselves with these rules, but for some reason the policy-makers aren’t required to follow, or even uphold, the rules.
          How is one supposed to show the impressionable mind that the most basic concepts that we are supposed to learn in childhood are supposed to apply to situations big and small, or should I also have to include medium as well to cater to the morally devoid, and least tactless boundary pushers?
Those devoid of moral character conclude these simple concepts don’t exist, or don’t exist in certain situations. And the rest of us desperately want these simple concepts apply to each of us and the greater whole, but we never see them, and those times when we don’t see them coincide when all of us are getting hurt.
          What is the pre-K teacher's aide, high school English teacher's aide, older sibling, or parent supposed to reaffirm that these ways are legitimate? The best thing the teacher, teacher's aide, sibling, or parent can do is say, then you don't want to be part of that group. It does nothing to reaffirm what someone should be able to expect of what are supposed to be well-adjusted individuals or groups.. And it has damaging effects too: Personalities at entire different ends of the extremes. One may end up violent, the other a pacifist. One may be branded with “problem with authority” yet have absolutely no qualms with the rules or how to pursue changing unjust rules. Another may have a blatant disrespect and get away with it.

* * *

          From my perspective, clout would rather target the weakest to bolster their own ego and claim they got the job done – not very high quality work. When in fact, clout has created a situation where the worst players get away with, if not are rewarded, for the gravest manipulations. This only shows that the person exerting exurbanite amounts of control over a pacifist is the one who needs to control themselves the most.
          OK, so we skip over the middle – it’s the bully in the room that for some reason we can do nothing about. Go about life peaceably and make the best of it – I’m sure we all can understand that having survived the Covid shelter in place orders. So, why waste our time resisting the unjust? The morally devoid person inquires with a tone of derision, ’yes, why waste your time resisting your oppressor?’ The same reason why we try to cure disease. Because your interpretation is unjust and disrespecting to me, to you and to everyone else. That’s why!
There was once upon a time in a land we call home that despite someone else's disapproval, we peaceably lived our lives. It was part of the way of life for many people in and outside of America – it isn’t illegal and according to science and at least half of non-science, does no harm, so we’re going to do it. Once upon a time we said, yes, we are going to Howe’s or Secret Caverns despite the bully we are all paying has an unlawful beef with us. But the bully has won, and it has become too great for any of us to handle. Keep plugging along… but nope. Poverty, gunfire, house fires, unethical therapists, ever increasing apathy even from those who claim they or are paid to do otherwise. And the morally devoid feels, ‘hm, these sound like great things to inflict on my enemy.’
          No level up – not even to the gemstone cavern two hours away from me and as a family despite the same rules that apply in pre-K are supposed to apply.
          No level up, yet there are those among us that still have the knowledge. Whether it’s a different town, county, state, province, country or continent – it’s best to familiarize oneself with the risks, rules and social norms of wherever it is to be visited, so one  knows what, if any, boundaries can be pressed as to best enjoy the visit, do no harm, and return home unscathed. Nope, the bully disagrees; the bully says life is not meant for living.  The rest of us say life is for living.

They don't use their real names, yet they are judge and jury?

Freud said we have nightmares because of unresolved conflicts. I am an insomniac. Since no one cares about the problem solving or the well-being of anyone but themselves. I am going to be as blatantly obvious as possible.

The clinic I am talking about in the blog is Samaritan Hospital of Troy, NY. The county office that works in tandem with this office is Rennselaer County Mental Health. The news says the county offices are moving out of Troy. The newspapers are the Troy Record and the Albany Times Union. The freelancer calls himself Sidewinder Productions.(google keyword Sidewinder troy ny) Troy, NY is within a two hour drive from where the first bat with white nosed syndrome was documented.

The clinicians go by the names Katri Noble, Elena Tanski, Daniela Andrade, Sarah Koch, Cathy or Kathy Coons. I doubt these are their real names.

Katri is a fair skinned blonde, most of the time she is taller than 5'4". She is curvy and usually has pink toned skin.

Tanski is a dark skinned woman but not dark-skinned like an African, European, Hispanic or Latino. She has long dark brown to black straight horse hair. She has also gone by the name Ilana, Illana, Elina, she has gone by the last name Caldarazzo and a last name ending in -ski. Patients and her co-workers alike call her 'Hellena.' I know for a fact two of her once lived in south Troy, NY. Her height ranges from 5'2" to 5'7"

Daniela is a fuller lipped lighter to medium toned brunette, but sometimes she can be blonde.

Coons is allegedly an older woman that also works for the Catholic Diocese of Albany, NY. She is also of pastor of a Waterford, NY church. The spelling of her first name changes, even in the printed newspapers. She has been known to be blonde, and salt and pepper grey and sometimes has a tattoo. She generally keeps her hair short and is allegedly retired from the mental health industry according to newspapers. She runs from 5'4" to 5'8" tall.

Sarah Koch is a curvy, freckled strawberry blonde to redhead. She sometimes has a tattoo on her right shoulder.

If they don't work in Troy; they are known to work in other nearby location.

The politicians' names include but are not limited to Steve Madden of Troy, NY and Michael McNulty of Green Island, NY.

Don't bother contacting Vermont Psych Survivors; they rather tell everyone they read emails twice and to shut up like Andrade.

Unlike a world of apathy and over-competition that I was accused of enjoying; I rather not victim-shame and censor; I rather do the right thing and warn people about this place, especially if those who have power to do something about choose not to. The other patients in this blog are Kristen Garzone, and someone named Freedom Free on Youtube (but you may want to go to Youtube and search keywords "mental health troy NY".)

Oh, and the name of the black man that was shot a block away from where I lived was Edson Thevinin.

Incomplete list of movies recorded in Troy and list of directors of those movies --

Gilded Age, Yes Men, Ollman, Price, Smith, Bostonians, Ivory, Wordplay, Creadon, Ironweed, Babenco, Emperors Club, Hoffman, Age of Innocence, Scorsese, Time Machine, Wells, Scent of a Woman, Brest, Pauls Case, Johnson, Opponent, Jarecki, Wedding Advice Speak Now, Forever Hold Your Peace, Sosnoski, Zeytoonjian, Shadow Tracker, Vampire Hunter, Bagnardi, Motherless Brooklyn, Norton, Raising Hell, Bethmann, Szmyr, Get a Grip, West, RealVision, Alkoff, Maker of Guns, Platt, Scotch Hill, Kuell, Pawn, Schaffer, Nightingale Princess, Dreisbach, Museum, Gietl, Corruption, Bishop, Against the Current, Callahan, A Void, Gietl, Clash of the Champions, Distractions, Scorzelli, Juche Idea, Brave and the Kind, Meetcute on Danceworld, Khan, Inheritance, Asili, Falling World, Bethany, Lunamancer, Mucci, Do Sharks Get Seasick, Yule Log, Electric Boogaloo Bois, Yost,

It was supposed to be an interlude, but - of power, boundaries, unhealthy psychodramas, critters & fire. Hey Knudge -- is Disuet opinionated?

Hm, I speak and no fires for a week in that little city. Yes, they have sacrificed their people, started another argument, and made those who lived there the longest and once had most pride in the place suffer then look like a fool. Their mission is complete. At least the new fires are in places they have been known to happen and I offer a disgusted laugh.

 * * *

"It's fucked up
'Cause I don't see either one of us budging
I'm withholdin' my anger though I'd like to be the strangler
Of this punk ass little pussy's puny neck
It's my right to insist that he acknowledge my existence
But he just displays complete lack of respect
That's what he says to himself as he uses his magazines to trash me
As he sits with both his feet up at his desk [...]
And he just can't see that he's manically depressed[...]
As he turns on [...]TV and sees my face
He don't exist in this world [...]
And it's destroyin' him slowly 'cause he does not even know me
Even though he sees me everywhere he goes
So he just tortures himself, he has no fortune and wealth
So he extorts someone else to get his dough
And now he's actin' like a bully so he tries to push and pull me
But he knows that he can't fool me so he's mad[...]
'Cause it annoys him to see that I ain't scared
You ain't no motherfuckin' bully
And I ain't bowin' to no motherfuckin' bully
I won't allow it, ain't gon' cower to no bully
I'll be damned if I don't stand up to a bully[...]
And I know it must be fuckin' wit' you emotionally
Now I'm not tryin' to make no more enemies, no more unfortunately
There's so many other motherfuckers there just are[...]
So now Ja thinks that he's so tough and Murder Inc.'s the big bad wolf [...]
So now you try to pull the race card and it backfires in your face hard
'Cause you know we don't play that black and white shit
Plus this stylist you fucked when you was ecstasied up
Was just a man who's dressed up as a white bitch [...]
Now what bothers me the most about hip-hop is we're so close
To pickin' up where we left off with Big and Pac
We just lost Jam Master J, Big L got blasted away
Plus we lost Bugz, Slang Ton, and Freaky Tah
It's like a never-ending cycle [...]
Everybody's gotta be so fuckin' hard
And I'm not excludin' myself 'cause I been stupid as well [...]
There's only so much bullshit we can really stand
We all got reps to uphold when someone steps on our toes
It's no exception, [...]
But if Irv really gave a fuck about Ja like he claims he does
He'd wake him up and make his boy get off them drugs
But he just keeps feedin' him pills so if that E doesn't kill him
Someone from G-Unit will and I ain't buzzed
Dawg, I'm talkin' to you straight if the situation escalates
Any worse, we're gonna lose another soldier to this game"

-- "Bully" by Eminem

 * * *

I do not know how dishonesty, mockery, apathy toward grief, physical coercion, discouraging discussion (no, I don't talk too much, ma'am), encouraging promiscuity, or a disregard of science are therapeutic for any illness – mental or physical. I guess reverse psychology or some strange new form of psychoanalysis (or whatever these rote, fisticuffs, antagonisms, ad nauseam are called) are more important than goals, functionality, ethics, quality of life or human life. I can only conclude the clinician's desire to be a soap opera television star undermined their alleged professional training.

Obviously, we can’t expect anything from the local mental health system; they don’t seem to understand how one wrong starts a chain reaction of wrongs. If none attempt stop this chain reaction, then the chain reaction will continue affecting many. If someone wants to deliberately perpetuate that chain reaction, it affects many, much and all.

There is another patient, who is feistier than I, that to my knowledge, remains in that little city. They recorded audio-visuals of their interactions with police, the mental health system and the clinic's billing office. I think this other patient is expecting too much of the self-important, but this other patient caught them in the wrong "on tape" and posted all of it on Youtube for the world to see. I, on the other hand, can only attest that everything I state as fact can be proven. Some sources are more difficult to attain, some may fall into the archives or require law to attain, but they are  attainable. Everything I claim that has been said, one can ask around and you will find someone else that says the same.

Since my song and word choice in response to Disuet may have been or could be psychoanalyzed and sterilized as simply a passion response and will probably be taken further out of context, let’s talk about Disuet. --

An acquaintance from back to our pre-adolescence, with the same real first name as Disuet was a patient the same time as I was. She left this little city as well. (Not that it should matter, but -- I seem to remember Disuet the clinician and Disuet the patient lived two blocks away from each other many years ago.) Disuet the patient lost their father after they started psychotherapy with Aldo Ujad; they lost their mother before 9/11. Disuet the patient was the only non-family guest I had in my Blackboot apartment. I remember they brought pumpkin spice coffee creamer with them because we are both familiar with the skits of a particular comedian. Despite that some vulture would rather put the public at great personal risk for a quote –

* * *

“Somebody’s spilt maple syrup in my coffee […] Pull up your pants!” […] why don’t you wake up and smell the coffee.’ […] I did, it smelled like fucking waffles,”“Lock n  load – Coffee flavored coffee” by Denis Leary 
* * *

It’s the most miserable situation, the clinician seeks too much power and offers apathy or sliminess. The patient is not allowed to be themselves, or seek emotional release, even to force themselves to laugh. The skit should have reminded us old acquaintances we, or now, I don’t do pumpkin spice in coffee. – I’m filbert or plain. Disuet the patient knows this. The comedian’s name is synonymous with risking one’s home, so do we not say it? Or maybe someone’s reading this blog that is interpreting the skit as something other than these old acquaintances did. The friendship was/is entirely different. Historically, when either of us were hurt, we would not refrain from hugging; saline tears on the shoulder. We remained covid distance from each other despite there was no covid yet; no tears. This is what the world has become – I also haven’t received this compassion from my own family, despite the deaths, despite the uprooting, despite, despite. I contacted a family member’s psychotherapist about this and received no response. I pour as much of my mind, heart and soul as I feel I am safely allowed here – I isolate, but I don’t close myself off.

Nonetheless, I stuck it to Disuet the patient with painted toenails, which they do not do.

Simultaneously working with both Disuet the patient and myself was a conflict of interest on the part of Aldo, who may or may not suddenly start quoting Denis Leary now. Disuet the patient talked with me about how their father was dying in a slow, bad, miserable way and how they were still hurt by their ex. I mostly commiserated, but I didn’t say it, ‘who you sleeping with?’ For their own best interest, they were repeatedly advised not to sleep with one person. When Disuet the patient and their ex broke up, their dad footed the bill and bought them automobiles. When my ex and I broke up I got death threats from the whore, was expected to walk everywhere, take in my spoiled rotten kid sister while dirt broke, and reside in a lower cost apartment that was still beyond my means and below a child molester while the local politician was spectator.

Disuet the patient and I had a, often public, ritual we repeated over the course of 26 years whenever a relationship ended for either of us; we’d renew a promise to each other that we made a long time ago -- no getting with the others’ exes. Knudge agreed, or at least that’s what they said to me. It sounds petty and childish, but pumpkin spice creamer was a clue Disuet the patient was getting the same shoddy quality psychotherapy as most of us and Disuet the patient was sleeping with Knudge. Disuet the patient can have Knudge; I’m sure that Aldo will exploit this statement to its fullest extent; there’s 3 more families that left town Disuet the patient wanted Knudge, Disuet the patient and only Disuet the patient accepts the consequences.

I haven’t given up hope there is hidden from my view and removed from malignant orchestrations, especially of those not in my relationship, which I will find someday. This would make a healthier family. But in all dirision I say – yes, overturn Roe versus Wade because we need to bulk up the population against instead of letting us enjoy our God given rights to couple as the couple chooses.
My goal was to trust again. (This following shows how contrary the world is -- I said I wanted to trust again, yet I find myself saying all too often that if I [we] are given no other option to lock horns until one of us dies, then that's the only option we have. If your ego [actually id] insists there is no healthier method, then ok.) That little city’s historical dirt is they were once known for their red light district; I guess some things never change. I spoke with Disuet the patient about how many of mine died and how that crappy city values the home wrecker. I was physically ill. I could tell by the look and smell of Disuet the patient, they were too. I do not include their father in my 30 family deaths, but I acknowledge he is indeed dead; he is one of many. Disuet the patient once claimed to be homosexual. Now, they are married to the opposite sex. This may be relevant later --

Some clinicians have been known to frequent the Capital's venues, but not all have the reputation that Disuet and Porly do. Disuet and Porly showed up to the club event I frequented. Many, if not most, of the original clubgoers stopped going; I was one of the people who stopped going. Others attended instead. From what I understand, the event coordinators kept it going despite their own and others’ absence. Disuet and Porly have the right to go out and peaceably enjoy themselves as every adult does. To my knowledge, this club event still exists to date or at least did until Covid, but with different, and perhaps younger people in attendance. Impressive – if it is still going, it is competing with bigger cities for longest running event of its genre.

Individual psychotherapy is supposed to be a very personal journey, chiefly for the patient; which is why there are laws that dictate what can and cannot occur, such as  PHI laws or HIPAA.  (No, they aren't there to protect only the clinician, only insurance companies only preferred patients, or preferred tiers of insurance; they are there for all.) Only the individual, the clinic, and the patient's medical insurance should have the knowledge the patient in psychotherapy, unless the patient themselves informs another person of such. If the patient is under the assumption they are under the care of one clinician, i.e. the patient receives appointment cards with the same name (or homonym thereof) for the duration of such psychotherapy or the patient's insurance company is paying for what appears to be one individual to provide treatment, then treatment should be provided by one clinician.

The clinician should not enmesh or scapegoat patients with or against each other or any other person, or enmesh or scapegoat themselves with or against patients; the clinician should not isolate voluntary outpatients, have a conflict of interest, involve any patient in another's or their own personal agenda, play favorites, or use patients as chess pieces. Fortunately, when the patient is hurt, offended or wronged, they speak in their free time; this is healthy. Those, who do and do not go to psychotherapy, should not be required to be inconvenienced by someone else's psychotherapy, unless legally required; although, supportive family and peers are helpful. 

It is said Disuet feels clubgoers scatter like cockroaches because clubgoers are all guilty of something. No - forgive me for speaking for others, especially if I am incorrect, but self-preservation is not a crime. We leave because both of them are known to become a or bring a hazardous situation. The club event is the clubgoers' free time - a time where the customer can imbibe alcohol if they so choose, dance, be vulnerable and speak freely amongst peaceable people, peers and like-minded individuals.  

The last paragraph applies not only to some obscure nightclub, but also to peoples' homes, communities, workplaces and schools. We relocated, died, changed jobs, home-schooled and isolated.

Since this blog is about being honest as possible, I’m going to say it: I have no interest in soap operas; if you like watching them, understand that I do not. Further, I don’t want or require a role in any soap opera. I have a very short list of movies I appreciate. I have little interest in watching television or the movie screen, whether it is on the television, movie screen or somehow being enacted as part of life.

I have no aversion toward homosexuals. The world endures too much conflict to be judgmental against people making love. What consenting adults do in privacy is between them; hopefully, they aren't related by way of genetics or have promised themselves to someone other than who is in that bedroom. For the exception of those who go to psychotherapy for sexual issues, which is beyond my forte, what consenting adults do in privacy is between them -- not the consenting adults’ parent, whore, mistress, co-worker, ex-lover, rapist, politician, sibling, friend, employer, landlord,  or… questionable psychotherapist. What the people engaging in sex knowingly bring to the bedroom in loyalty, trust and honesty is what should be in that bedroom.

In my mind, and whether it is accurate or not, I split homosexuality into three groups: (1) those who honestly prefer their own sex; it makes sense - happens in nature believe or not, no birth control required, Roe v Wade is in the spotlight again, on average people of a specific gender generally understand their own gender's bodies better than the opposite gender; (2) homosexuality as part of the individual's perversion, and (3) homosexuality as a result of someone else’s perversion; where some may turn to homosexuality, others, like myself, turn to celibacy. 
The local mental health industry has traumatized and brain mapped enough to know this, so I don't know what they expect, except prove that trust is not possible. If you haven't already figured it out, I'm female. I was born female, and despite I am proud of it, I'm not a feminist. I take great pride on my cleanliness and remaining free of venereal disease. I am a rape survivor. Those who do not understand the word no risks much and many. Lack of compassion gets you nowhere with me. I'm celibate despite I would rather be in a trusting, loyal, functional relationship. I'm heterosexual, and that is never going to change.

Everyone I knew outside the club event that claimed to be homosexual is now married to the opposite sex. I find this odd; that's quite the clear divide. And one that attended the club event, who claimed to be heterosexual, but everyone wondered or knew something about, got married to the same sex, but their partner later had gender reassignment surgery; one of their siblings also got gender reassignment surgery making all the siblings the same gender. That's even more strange. I thought extensive psychotherapy was legally required for gender reassignment surgery. Perhaps, I am wrong; this isn’t my area of expertise.

If 30 deaths in a decade doesn't illicit an appropriate response, then maybe this will -  three sex changes in five years sounds like a soap opera to me, but the problem is - this isn't fiction. What's worse is that's three that I learned of in my years of social isolation; there could be more. On more than one level I say the following: if I could speak freely; they have real names and some are quite influential -- not that they do any good with that influence.. 

They have real names. I have a real name. Disuet has real names. Porly, Peglou have real names. We all have real names.The houses that burnt down, actually burned down. The drown child is actually a dead child. The people who uprooted their life, literally packed up decades' worth of their existence and relocated. It's exhausting! It is sickening  

This new reverse psychology psychotherapy is like a police interrogation of an innocent gone too far.

I peaceably sought out psychotherapy. I did not seek out a soap opera. I did not seek out a career in theater. I'm not an actress. I did not seek out drama. I did not seek out fear. I wanted to be able to trust. I needed housing. I didn’t realize the patients need to explain the clinicians' responsibilities and obligations in detail to allegedly trained, versed and trustworthy professionals.

When a patient seeks voluntary psychotherapy, the patient is vulnerable; this is not the time for the clinician to act like a spoiled brat. It is the proper time for the clinician to build rapport while following proper protocols to distinguish what form of therapy is needed. Many patients know vulnerability may be required to heal, which means the clinician needs to show the patient that the clinician is trustworthy. Many patients even admit they feel or are defeated; therefore, it is not the time for the clinician to show the clinicians' pomposity, fisticuffs or sliminess. Effective psychotherapy is not achieved by the clinician mocking the patient or influencing the patient to appear foolish.

Dang – politicians to housing to psychotherapists: what a bunch of scumbags; no wonder why it stunk to high hell.

* * *

A few weeks ago I started an anonymous survey -- I asked the world who has been helpful and unhelpful. I'm going to start my don't bother list soon. Unlike others who appear to have a reaction pattern apathetically memorized, I'd honestly like to know what peoples' experiences have been.

* * *

There are these strange critters where I live. They’re mainly white with either black stripes or dots. They look like an amalgam of a small frog, a tiny hairless gopher, a cricket and a grasshopper and seem to reach a maximum of an inch and a half (~3,8cm) long. They may or not be able to chirp like a cricket and are said to be able to makes a high pitched ‘eeeeee’ sound like a cockroach when threatened. It’s also said they are toxic if ingested and care for their young No one seems to know what they are.

They rarely make an appearance, but when they do, it is often before a fire; although, I don't think they appreciated the pile-driver at the clinic's construction site either. (Good God -- who approved those building plans? C'mon, -- USGS, historical maps, anything!?) Nonetheless, many suggest if you see one to sterilize the place. I’ve spent 30+ years trying to find out what they are, even head-diving into rare mantids and blattera, and to answer one question – do they bite or sting? I have found nothing conclusive. If I could find out what they are, I might even suggest they are kind of cute.

I found one on my bedroom windowsill at Blackboot. I squashed it. I didn’t sterilize the room. I wiped down wipeable surfaces with a Lysol wipe; otherwise, the world smelled so bad to me that I was using diluted
cleaning quaternary as Febreze.

It’s been proven certain diseases have characteristic smells, even if not everybody can smell them. Some forms of diabetes smell like fruity wine; some think malaria smells like smelly B vitamins; I don’t know anyone who will debate if gangrene smells offensive; some forms of cancer have an odd sterile rubber smell. Nonetheless, there is an entire science dedicated to this now; they have built electronic “noses” that evaluate the ‘volatile organic compounds’ (VOCs, or the smallest individual components or isolates that comprise an odor.)

My nose could have interpreted the world as smelling offensive because I was sick, but sick with what? Anemia? Hm, anemia -- that's it? Or my nose could have interpreted the world as smelling offensive because the world smelled offensive.

On the North American front, millions of bats died from White Nosed Syndrome. The syndrome is a sort of yeast infection of the bat’s muzzle causing the bat to starve to death. “Moldy bat syndrome” or similar can be found in old fiction and nonfiction books of American and European publication or print. On the Afroeurasian front, they theorize that Covid make the jump from the fruit eating bat to human later. (For so those so inclined, please drop “mycormycosis, mycosis covid, india” into your favorite search engine. My stance is either this bat mold is strong stuff or something compromised a disease vector's, or very strong and seasoned, immune system.) This makes me wonder what does Covid smell like? Or what did the original disease from which Covid originated smell like? What does a moldy nosed bat smell like? And does it have anything to do with why there is suddenly a spike in the number of children with liver disease and jaundice? I think I'll leave it to the electronic noses to find out.
I can personally attest -- jaundice sucks.

* * *

"All the wildlife has disappeared […]
Some people here have all the power [...]
Constructing a new kind of life
But these creatures are not alive […]
The language in the streets is strange
From day to day their meanings change […]
A system without emotion"

-- "City of Darkness" by Funker Vogt

* * *

I remember it as a warm August evening; I looked through the window once and the sun was starting its long, slow summer process of setting. The newspaper says it occurred July 2012. Perhaps, I am confusing the incident that happened almost exactly a year later, or one down the street that occurred sometime in-between.

I had the windows’ bottom sashes completely open; those bottom sashes couldn’t be pushed upward any further. The lower shutters, which covered the open portion of the window, were closed and locked. One could stand and look out the top sash of each window. I had a box fan in the front and bedroom window on their highest setting. My bedroom window faced south toward the building with the windows covered in chicken coupe fence. Luckily, their building did not have windows near or facing mine.

I was clipping coupons at the hopechest I used as the living room table when I smelled something chemical. I got up, walked around my house, even sniffed the closet. Nothing out of the ordinary. I tidied the hopechest and stacked the sections of the newspaper in a pile. During one of the fires, and I believe it was the July 2012 fire, I stacked the sections of newspaper and placed a magazine insert on top. On the cover of this magazine was something to do with the Presidents Bush; it was a photograph of one of the Bush presidents, their respective first ladies, or a photograph of them as a couple. I remember this because I thought, “Hm, they aren’t the President. How odd --” I remember it because of something I would experience after July 2012.

Then I undoubtedly smelled burning plastic; I looked out the window, inspected the drapes, checked the oven, breaker box, hot water tank, outlets – nothing. I turned off the living room box fan and sat down on the couch. I may have gotten back up to get a beverage. Then I heard, “Fire! Fire! We need a wet blanket.” It was the voice of a slender black man that one could find across the street just south of me sitting on a fold out lawn chair on the sidewalk in front of what I presumed to be his residence. There were and probably still is a “no loitering” sign next to every Blackboot door, so I was bothered a bit, but not enough to say anything.

I looked out the window, and I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary, so I went to my front door. Woh! – fire less than 10 feet away.